The Wizard of PROZ
by The Bitch and Her Man
Summary: An accident causes Thirteen to sustain a nasty concussion, and a second impact leaves her totally unconscious. While unconscious she's taken to a strange world called Princeton-South-of-Oz, where she's given the Ruby Thong, and a mission; get it to House!
1. Prologue: We're Off

This is our little lovechild fic, a spoof of everybody's favorite, _The Wizard of Oz_

Minorly sexual content in the prologue, plus general spoilers for season four up to "Living the Dream", but disregarding the events of the two-part season finale.

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

**Prologue: **We're Off...

* * *

_There's no place like home_

The image of Dorothy and her family faded to black, and the credits for The Wizard of Oz started up. Thirteen stretched out the kinks in her back, internally lecturing herself for sitting still for so long. Kutner picked up his cereal bowl (which was filled with congealing milk by this point) and took it to his kitchen.

"You want anything while I'm in here, Thirteen?" He was already grabbing for something in the fridge, a couple of beers, Thirteen saw when she looked over, so she didn't even bother responding.

Kutner walked back into the main room and handed her a brown bottle. She typically loathed beer, but when she was with Kutner she would drink a bottle. There was a sharp crack as the bottle opened and she took a swallow.

"So I haven't seen that movie since I was in like...high school," Kutner said, pointing his beer bottle at the sepia-toned credits as they rolled.

"Me neither," Thirteen said, taking another swig of beer. "I remember watching it a lot as a kid, but not recently." Truthfully, she had watched it with her mother every year around Christmas, and since her mother died she had abandoned the tradition.

She mentally shook her head, not wanting to focus on those thoughts. Luckily, Kutner wasn't looking at her just then, so he didn't take notice if there was any sort of visible sign of what she had previously been thinking about.

The two sipped at their beers, and somewhere along the line somebody turned the television off. Thirteen didn't notice that the light was dimmer until she noticed that Kutner had inched a bit closer to her on the couch. She looked at him, an eyebrow raised, and asked, "What are you doing, Kutner?"

"Nothing. What makes you think I'm doing anything?" Kutner responded distractedly, taking a last long swallow from his beer, though it only facilitated the awkward silence. He drummed his fingers against the empty bottle, producing a hollow noise.

The silence stretched on. "We have an elephant in the room and its name is silence," Kutner mumbled, smiling a little at his own joke.

Thirteen grinned a little, despite not finding the joke very funny. "I can think of a few reasons why I might think you're doing something." She inched her hand over, just enough so that it was touching the side of his leg. "You weren't this close a few minutes ago; of course you're doing something."

Kutner glanced at her hand, and then glanced back up at her, then down at the hand again. "Ah, but Thirteen, how do I know you're not the one doing something?" Despite his words, he still scooted a bit closer. "Sure looks like something to me."

"Well you look to be doing a little bit more of something than I am." Her fingers ran up the side of his jeans, but then fell back onto the couch.

Kutner tried to feign some shame, but failed. "I think you're imagining this 'something' you seem convinced I'm doing," he said. "Because the only person here doing something is definitely you." Her hand moved away from his leg as he said this. "I'm definitely not doing _anything_." He moved just a little closer as if to emphasize his statement.

A small chuckle escaped Thirteen's lips, as she couldn't help but find how childish the two of them were being a bit funny. The majority of their interactions were like this, but she always found them especially humorous when the meaning behind them was anything but innocent.

"You know," she said casually. "If you get any closer, you'll be on top of me."

He looked positively mischievous at that. "Was that an invitation?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her. "Because that can definitely be arranged. Or I could back up." He held up his hands in some kind of mock surrender. "It's totally up to you."

With one swift, well placed swing of her leg, and a twist of her hips, Thirteen was planted firmly in Kutner's lap. "There was no mention of an invitation," she replied, smirking slightly. "But I also definitely did not tell you to go anywhere."

Their hips were aligned, their chests were nearly touching, their faces were inches from each other, and the air between them was hot from their breaths. Thirteen couldn't help but think of how fun this all was. "Fun" was not normally a word she would use to describe sexual acts, but that is exactly what most anything with Kutner was.

Kutner was continuing to move closer to her, only this time, it was his face, as his body was already nearly as close to hers as it could get.

The first kiss was always a bit more guarded, a bit more careful. But then there was electricity, always. Kutner could say with one-hundred percent honesty that sex with Thirteen was never, ever boring. He broke off after a minute or two. "We should move," he said quietly.

"Where to?" Thirteen asked, looking slightly irked that they had stopped, but there was a splashing of pink across her cheeks that Kutner found oddly endearing.

"Bedroom?" Kutner suggested. They'd had sex on the couch before (and in the kitchen... and the bathroom... on the floor, even), but he was in the mood for a bed at the moment, as it was far more comfortable than any of those other places.

Thirteen seemed to be feeling the same way, as she got up, causing Kutner to make a slightly disappointed noise at the loss of weight in his lap. He also got off the couch, and the two made their way to his bedroom. Thirteen's pace was casual, almost a stroll, which might have irked Kutner had it been anyone other than her.

Looking over her shoulder, she smiled at him in a way that made his insides turn into chewing gum. He caught up with her and grabbed her by the wrist, smirking a little; he kissed her in the doorway of his bedroom.

She grabbed him by the shirt with her free hand and pulled him in, and they were stuck like that for a few moments. Kutner let go of her arm and let his hands find more entertaining places to rest.

Thirteen broke away this time, smiling coyly. "I thought we were going for the bedroom; remember what happened last time we did this standing up?"

Kutner laughed at the memory. "Oh yeah, I don't think I'll ever forget that." He kissed her again, briefly, before making his way over to the bed. She followed, pushing him gently back when she was standing in front of him.

"I like to imagine you don't forget any other time, either." Thirteen grinned at him in a smug sort of way, and he just nodded, not really able to quite find his voice at that particular moment. His hands trailed down her sides, tickling slightly, and going up under her shirt on their way back up.

Thirteen kissed him again and he pulled her backwards onto the bed with him, but there was a little too much force in the motion and there was a resounding crack as, while he was lying flat on his back, Thirteen's skull became more acquainted with one of his bedposts.

"Shit, are you okay?" Kutner exclaimed, jolting up and holding her out at an arms length.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She held the back of her head for a second and blinked popping lights out of her eyes. "I'm really fine," she said, noticing his look of disbelief. She shifted out of his lap and kissed him, pushing him back down onto the bed and moving so she was on top of him.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked quietly as their lips were barely two centimetres apart and his hands were already back up her shirt.

She kissed his neck, stopping only to mutter a brief, "Yes," before continuing her ministrations.

Normally, Kutner might have been a bit more reluctant to believe her, but she was kissing him and touching him and doing all sorts of things that drove all worry from his mind. All thoughts of possible concussions were driven to the back of his mind, and saved for another time, as her lips once again met his.

* * *

The next morning was a little rushed (Thirteen was rather reluctant to wake up) and they were rather sneaky about entering the conference room.

"Don't worry, he's not here yet, you're fine," Taub said, looking over. "But this is later than normal," he added eying them suspiciously.

They ignored the comment and took their seats, but after a couple of minutes and no sign of their boss, Thirteen got up to fix herself a cup of coffee.

She saw that the coffee machine was already filled with freshly brewed coffee, so she opened one of the cupboards to get out a clean cup. As she was reaching out to open the cupboard, she suddenly found that her head was spinning, and before she could regain her balance, her foot slipped on a small, round object. Kutner and Taub looked on in confusion and horror as she suddenly crumpled to the floor, hitting her head on the counter top's edge on the way down.

Kutner jumped up from his seat and rushed over to her. "Thirteen? Are you alright?" He received no response from her, and worriedly glanced up at Taub, who was by now also kneeling next to Thirteen. "She's out cold."

Taub grabbed a penlight and began examining her. Her pupils appeared normal, but when he began to check her head and neck over, he found some bruising and a large lump on the back of her head, in addition to the small bruise she got when she hit her head on the counter."Did she hit her head recently? The bruising here is obviously from the counter, but this is from something else." He pointed out the injuries to Kutner.

Before Kutner could reply, House chose that moment to stroll into the conference room, happily munching on a donut. He raised an eyebrow when he saw the scene on the floor, and said, "You guys should have told me we were playing Kill My Coworker, I'm the world champion, you know."

Taub looked from House and back to Kutner. "You never answered my question," he pointed out to Kutner impatiently. "Has she hit her head recently?"

The guilty look said it all, but before he could formulate an answer, Foreman strolled into the conference room with his newspaper (which he had inconspicuously left the room to fetch before Kutner and Thirteen had arrived) folded under his arm, enjoying his own (chocolate!) donut with a cup of coffee. He frowned at the scene before him. "...What happened here?"

"I was wondering the same thing," House said conversationally.

Taub, who was in the process of paging one of the nurses, titled his head toward Kutner. "Ask him, I'm not entirely sure what is going on either."

Kutner sighed, a miserable sort of sigh that oozed of his guilt over whatever it was he wasn't telling the rest of them. "She's concussed. She hit her head last night while she was over at my apartment, and I guess hitting her head again wasn't the best thing for her right now."

House groaned. "She hit her head and you didn't do anything about it? Ever heard of Second Impact Syndrome?"

"I thought she was fine, honest!"

"You _thought _she was fine? You didn't bother to check?" Foreman pressed, sitting down and opening his newspaper.

Kutner faltered a little. "I asked if she was okay!" he said indignantly. "I told her we should check it out, but she said she was fine."

House was looking at the floor, and bent down and picked up a small red object that had rolled over towards him. "I've been looking for this!" he said contentedly, tossing it up in the air and catching it again.

A silence passed through the room. "What?" House asked, glancing around at everyone. He then looked at the ball in his hands, and then down at Thirteen, who was still passed out on the floor. "Well, shit," he said.

"She tripped because you left your stupid toys lying around!" Kutner said, sounding far more peeved and defensive than he had meant to.

House rolled his eyes. "Please, if you had bothered to get her checked over properly, she wouldn't even be here, she'd be resting. Don't blame this on me."

"Blame what on you?" Somehow, Wilson had entered the room entirely unnoticed by the other occupants, even House. When he too took notice of the scene before him he sighed in annoyance. "Beating up fellows again, House? I thought we've been through this, the insurance doesn't cover that."

"I didn't beat up on anybody," House said. He pointed his cane at Kutner. "_He _did that to _her_," he added, moving his cane between Kutner and the unconscious Thirteen. "She got a concussion last night and instead of getting it checked out, they had nerdy sex all night long and then she just happened to trip this morning and is now...well, you have eyes."

Taub and Foreman looked at Kutner, both with very similar accusatory looks in their eyes. "You didn't actually...?" Taub started, looking from Foreman, to Kutner and to Thirteen.

Wilson rubbed his temples. "House. I've told you a million times not to leave your things lying around, because something like this was just waiting to happen. And now it has and what are we going to do?"

"Well we don't have a case, we could sit around and wait for her to wake up," House suggested.

Wilson shook his head. "You are unbelievable. She can't just lay on the floor, you know."

"She's not going to," Taub chimed in. "One of the nurses is on her way with a gurney, and there's a room ready for her. She can rest in there until she wakes up."

House shrugged. "See, Wilson? All taken care of." He threw his ball at the other man, bouncing it off his chest and back into his hand. "This thing is harmless, really, this is pretty much all Kutner's fault."

"It is not, I honestly thought she was alright!"

Before any further argument could occur, the nurse Taub had paged showed up, and Taub and Kutner gently hoisted Thirteen up onto the gurney, extra careful not to inflict anymore injuries of any kind to her bruised head.

"Don't follow the gurney, young man," House said in a mock-maternal voice, stopping Kutner from exiting the room with his cane.

"Why not?" he asked, looking irritated. "The blame game isn't actually fun, if you can believe it. And besides, if your ball hadn't been lying on the floor, she wouldn't have hit her head _again_."

"It's still your fault she hit her head in the first place," House reminded him calmly.

"I never said _I_ was the reason she hit her head. I could have a low-hanging light fixture for all you guys know," Kutner retorted, hoping he had won the argument at last.

"It was at your apartment, you're at fault. Besides, I seriously doubt it had anything to do with low-hanging lights or you would've said earlier. Which indicates your not letting us in on the details of this injury, further proving my favorite phrase, "everybody lies", so, really now, what did happen last night when you two were so innocently spending time together?" House inquired, taking a seat.

Kutner blushed slightly and mumbled something incoherent. House found that as proof enough of his suspicions, and didn't really push the matter any further.

"Well, now that that is all settled, let us wait for Thirteen to wake up." He paused for a moment before grinning to himself. "You do all realise how many 'Unlucky Thirteen' jokes we are going to be able to make after this, right?"


	2. Chapter 1: The Ruby Thong!

I'm posting this one a little early because my schedule is so jam-packed this weekend, as I'm graduating tomorrow and spending the rest of the day partying, and my cowriter has no computer at the moment

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

**Chapter 1: **The Ruby Thong!

* * *

The sensation of falling was a familiar one in Thirteen's dreams, but typically it was falling through nothingness with no support or clear path. This dream seemed different; she was sitting on a comfortable bed. It was oddly familiar, though she couldn't quite place when she had slept in it before, or who it might belong to. The world seemed to be spinning as she fell continuously downward, getting odd strains of foreign conversations as she went.

_"I get it, I get it, this is all my fault, and I'll apologize when she wakes up!" _

_"Stop that, you're such an eight-year-old. Put the toy away."_

_"I can't believe you had sex with a concussed chick."_

She wondered if they were talking about her wherever (and whoever) 'they' were. But her pondering was interrupted by a huge jolt and a crash, as she landed on solid ground.

It was a rocky landing, and she nearly fell out of the bed. The ground beneath her felt uneven, bumpy, as if ground wasn't the only thing she'd landed on. She looked down to see... linoleum? Smooth, grey linoleum, all around, except for the feet.

"Wait, feet?" she mumbled. She shook her head a little and looked back down, only to be faced with the feet yet again, in all their pink pump covered glory. "Oh my god, I landed on somebody." She stood up and began looking around for any sign of another person, somebody who wasn't currently lying unconscious under a bed, that is. "Oh shit, of all the places to land..."

She was cut off by the sound of feet shuffling across the linoleum.

"That's not something you see everyday..."

--

"I have a hard time comprehending how two of my own doctors could be so irresponsible," Lisa Cuddy said, her hands on her hips, looking from House to Kutner with a look that was typically reserved for House and House only.

Today, Kutner deserved it too.

"I can ex-"

Cuddy cut over Kutner. "Look, what you do off the clock is none of my business, frankly, I don't want to know what my employees do off the clock, but even when you aren't here you're still a doctor. You still have obligations to help people when they're sick or injured." She emphasized the last word by gesturing to the hospital room where Thirteen was still unconscious.

"I don't see how I'm even remotely to blame for this," House interjected.

Cuddy rounded on him. "You are not eight. You cannot leave toys lying around the hospital! Someone could get hurt, someone _has _gotten hurt," she said, snatching the red ball out of his hands.

"Luckily, if they were to get hurt, they're already in a hospital." House grabbed for his ball but Cuddy held it out of his reach, and Kutner thought it looked like an absurd game of "keep-away".

"Neither of you are to leave that room until Dr. Hadley wakes up." With that, Cuddy stalked off.

"Well, this is just great," House muttered, flopping down in the only chair by Thirteen's bed.

--

"What do you mean?" Thirteen asked, looking around.

The guy laughed, now that she could see him better, he was wearing a hospital gown with a white ID bracelet and terry cloth slippers. "You just fell out of the sky on a bed and landed on the Wicked Witch!" he said, gesturing to the body.

Thirteen's eyes widened. "Fell out of the-? Oh my God..." she said with growing realization of what this dream world was. She studied the little town carefully, the light was fluorescent white, and there were dozens and dozens of little square cottages, each identical down to the little clipboards hanging on the doors. "Where am I?"

"Erville," a new voice chimed in.

Both Thirteen and the man looked over in the direction of the voice, and Thirteen couldn't help but let out a groan when she was greeted with the sight of Cameron. Instead of being clad in her typical pink scrubs, she was wearing a lacy, puffy pink dress. On her back were what appeared to be fairy wings. Not real ones, of course, but the cheap, tacky kind one might find in a Halloween shop. To complete the outfit, she held a long wand in her hand. On closer inspection, it also appeared to double as a penlight.

She half expected Cameron to ask her if she was "a good witch, or a bad witch", but the question went unasked, and was instead replaced with a soft laugh and a, "You're after the thong, aren't you? House has been sending people after her all week."

"After the thong?" Thirteen asked. Her thoughts caught up with her, however, before she'd finished uttering the inquiry, and she cracked a grin at the memory of House's little challenge months before. She glanced back over to the bed for what felt like the millionth time, and she realised for the first time who the "Wicked Witch" must be. "I knocked Cuddy out, didn't I?"

Cameron pointed her wand at her and nodded. "Bingo, champ. I'd get it before she wakes up," she added.

--

Kutner was leaning against the wall opposite Thirteen's bed. He'd been doing so for the past half an hour, and the chair House was currently sitting in was looking more and more appetising the longer he did so.

"Can I have a turn in the chair?" he finally dared to ask. His question was met with an eyebrow raise and a laugh.

"Hello," House said. "Cripple here. Sit on the floor if you don't want to stand anymore."

Kutner had been expecting that, but that fact didn't make him feel any better about not having a chair to sit in. He'd tried to leave to go get one, but House had yelled at him for trying to leave, and Cuddy had yelled at him for opening the door (he was starting to suspect she could teleport to wherever her rules were being broken, in order to better enforce them), so he was still left chairless.

At about an hour in, Kutner finally gave up and sat on the floor, legs crossed beneath him.

At ninety minutes in, his legs had fallen asleep, so he stretched them out in front of him.

At two hours, he was standing back up again, his butt and legs sore from resting on the hard floor of the hospital room.

"Can I-"

"No. Don't ask again." House, too, had been constantly shifting in the chair, and had even rested his leg up on the edge of Thirteen's bed a few times. Despite the fact that he was in the chair Kutner so desired, he didn't appear to be any more comfortable that Kutner himself was on the floor. House glanced at the clock and grumbled. "Dammit, where is Wilson? It's almost lunch time."

"It's 11:00 am, House."

House glared at Kutner. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise this was an unacceptable time to want to eat. Please, do tell me when a better time would be for you."

Kutner just sighed. He was really hoping Thirteen would wake up soon.

--

Thirteen made to walk towards the bed, but there was a chiming noise and she found a sparkly ruby thong in her hands, the kind that you'd expect to see in a high class strip club.

"I figured I'd give you a little assistance," Cameron said. "House has been sending mostly guys and they're all itching to get up Cuddy's skirt, but since you're a woman, I can assist."

Thirteen examined the thong carefully. "So what kind of magical powers does this thing have?" she inquired, wadding it up and stuffing it in her pocket.

Cameron shrugged. "I never asked. Apparently it's worth something, House wants it pretty bad." She looked around. "You should probably deliver that, though, before she wakes up, or the other one gets here," she said.

"I'd rather wake up from this weird dream," Thirteen muttered.

"House could probably help with that, he's a real genius," Cameron added.

"Well how do I get there?" she asked, she felt that playing along with the dream would be the quickest way to getting out of it, she couldn't stay asleep forever.

"Just follow the White Linoleum Hallway," another voice said. Thirteen noticed that all the ER patients appeared to have left their little cottages (rooms?), and one of them was the source of the new voice.

"Yes, just following the White Linoleum Hallway," somebody else agreed.

Out of nowhere, a chord of music rang through the air, and the room was filled with the sounds of deep breaths, the kind people took right before starting in on a musical number. Thirteen cast a glare at the sky. "The singing is so not needed. I get the point. White Linoleum Hallway. Follow it. Got it."

The music ceased, and the ER patients went back to whatever it was they were doing before, save for one. "Follow the Whi-"

"No," Thirteen said. "Just no."

The remaining inhabitant waved to her and she turned to Cameron. "So where exactly is House?"

"In Princeton-Plainsboro, the capital of PROZ," she said.

"PROZ?"

Cameron rolled her eyes. "Princeton-South-of-Oz. Don't ask me, I didn't name the place," she said. "But you should go, Amber will be here any minute. Stay on the White Linoleum Hallway and don't let that thong out of your pocket," she reminded her, shooing her off.

--

It was precisely 11:45 when James Wilson strolled into the hospital room occupied by House, Kutner, and the still unconscious Thirteen, clutching a danish. House chanced to get out of his seat to snatch this delightful treat, and Kutner dove into the solitary chair. This bold action resulted in being beaten over the head with a cane. Kutner cursed and leaned back against the wall, rubbing his sore head and making pitiful noises of pain.

Wilson sighed, disappearing (secretly lamenting the loss of his danish) and returning momentarily with a chair, which he put next to House, and sat down in.

Kutner groaned. Now there were two perfectly good chairs that he wasn't sitting in.

"Do you want it?" Wilson asked, gesturing to the chair.

"No, no, it's fine," he replied, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor with his knees drawn up to his chest. He did want the chair, but making Wilson stand or sit on the floor would just get him more shit from House, so it wasn't really worth it.

It hadn't much occurred to the three of them that Thirteen was mumbling incoherently in her sleep until Cuddy entered the room several moments later. She glanced at House and Wilson, then over at Kutner, raising an eyebrow at the fact that he was sitting on the floor. She then walked over to the bed and looked Thirteen over briefly, glancing at her monitors to check her stats. She turned to leave when she found everything to be satisfactory, but stopped when she heard a few garbled words.

"Did you hear that?" she asked Wilson.

"Yeah...she's just talking in her sleep," Wilson said, looking a little confused.

"I could have sworn she said 'House'," Cuddy said slowly. She called for a nurse to bring her a chair and sat down on the opposite side of the bed from House and Wilson. "I wonder what she's dreaming about."

"Obviously me," House joked suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows at Kutner.

"Clearly," Wilson replied with an eye roll. "Isn't that what everybody dreams about?"

"If by 'everybody', you mean you, then yes."

Wilson turned the faintest shade of pink, blushing in a way that could barely be considered so, and mumbled something that only House appeared to catch. House just laughed at him and stuck his tongue out. "Poor Amber, must be tough knowing I'm the guy of your dreams."

Cuddy rolled her eyes and muttered something about elementary school children, but her attention was once again caught be Thirteen, who had just, very clearly, uttered Cuddy's name. "Thirteen? Can you hear me?" Thirteen made no other sound, and still appeared to be unresponsive.

"Obviously, she is having the same dream I have every night."

Wilson, Cuddy, and even Kutner shared an eye roll at House's expense.

--

Thirteen found where the gray linoleum was interrupted by bright, clean white linoleum and turned back to Cameron, but she had gone. so Thirteen began her walk down the White Linoleum Road, towards some unknown destination.

Her shoes clicked loudly on the floor. The farther she got from Erville, the louder the sound seemed to get, as the land around her seemed to be very empty. She sighed. She was dreaming, stuck in this odd bastardisation of a classic movie, and no matter how much she willed herself to, she just could not wake up. There was no use fighting the dream, she knew that, but she still couldn't help but feel a little irritated. It was one thing to be having an oddly elaborate and whacked out dream, it was an entirely different story when you were fully aware of the fact.

"I really need to wake up," Thirteen said to herself. She continued down the road, still not seeing anything of interest ahead. "House better be able to get me out of this damned dream."

Suddenly, the road forked off into two opposite directions. She willed herself to remember the direction Dorothy had taken in the movie, but found she couldn't really remember at all. She turned on the spot, only to see the tiniest sign of Erville behind her and no indication of which way to go in front of her.


	3. Chapter 2: If I Only Had a Brain

Yay for chapter 2! My favorite one yet.

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

Chapter 2: If I Only Had a Brain

* * *

Thirteen stood, immobile, for what felt like the longest time. "Why do roads always have to fork? And which fork do I take?"

"Well that all depends on where you're heading," someone said somewhere to her right.

She jumped, but turned and saw a man sitting on the metal railing that made a sort of fence around a field. This man just happened to be Kutner. Thirteen giggled in a most uncharacteristic way at the sight of him. "You're the scarecrow, Kutner?" She made an attempt to control her laughter. "I'm almost surprised you're not the lion, but I suppose you're the least likely to be able to scare off crows, now aren't you?"

Kutner frowned slightly. "I happen to be a very scary scarecrow, miss." Unfortunately, right at that moment, some crows chose to fly by, swirling around Kutner's head and squawking as loud as they could. Kutner swatted at them, curses at them, and yelled at them, but they did not cease in their taunting of him. He finally jumped off the metal railing and ran over to Thirteen, who glared at the birds and sent them off with a few choice words of her own. Kutner looked at the ground, but didn't say anything.

"What was that you were saying, about being scary?" Thirteen asked, an obvious smirk on her face, and in her tone. She flicked the man's forehead with her thumb and forefinger. "You, sir, are obviously in need of a brain."

--

It was now (everyone other than House's idea of) lunchtime, and the boredom felt by all those who sat in Thirteen's room was practically tangible. House and Wilson had started an odd game of word association ("Flower." "Fairy." "Gay." "You." "No, you." "That's not a word, House." "Your face is not a word." "Nope, it's a face."), Cuddy was rolling her eyes and muttering things about her two highly immature department heads ("5-year-olds."), and Kutner was laying on the floor, counting the ceiling tiles ("32...33...32 again...").

The door of the room opened, and Kutner and Cuddy looked up to see who it was. House and Wilson were still going at it.

"Lamp."

"Shade."

"Tree."

"Wood."

"Penis."

"Well, now I see why you forgot about our lunch date, Wilson, that game of yours sounds quite riveting."

Wilson and House finally stopped talking and looked over to the door, where Amber was standing, hands on her hips, and an amused expression on her face. Wilson attempted to form some sort of apology, but only succeeded in sputtering, causing House to burst into laughter. Amber grinned and, upon seeing there were no available chairs, placed herself on Wilson's lap.

House stopped laughing, mostly just so he could say,"I hardly think this is the time for a lap dance, Cutthroat Bitch. Then again, it might be, who knows. Is that what you do when I'm unconscious, Wilson, get lap dances?'

"Aw, House, there's no need to be jealous, you can have one too." Amber got off of Wilson, much to his confusion, and straddled House's lap this time, placing her weight on his left leg as best she could. She grinned at him in a most lecherous way, and House grinned back.

"I know you want me, but please, have some decency, your boyfriend is seated right next to us."

Amber gave House a peck on the cheek before returning to Wilson's lap and giving him one as well, just for good measure.

Kutner watched the whole exchange and continued to bemoan his lack of chair.

--

Kutner frowned. "Kind of. So where are you going?" he asked.

"Princeton-Plainsboro, do you know how to get there?" she replied, looking at either turn of the road.

"So you're going to go see House then?"

"Uh-huh."

Kutner scratched his head. "I think it's the left fork, actually, should I go with you?"

"I think that would be great," Thirteen said.

"What's your name? I feel like I should know it...have you already told me it?"

She smiled a little. "I haven't told you, just call me Thirteen."

Kutner raised an eyebrow, attempting to look suspicious of her, Thirteen thought, but he mostly just looked confused. "Your name is Thirteen? Like the number?"

"It's a nickname of sorts. Come, let's go." She grabbed his hand, dragging him along with her down the left side of the fork. Faintly, in the back of her mind, mostly likely, she could here the intro of a song starting up. She glanced at Kutner, who didn't appear to hear it just yet, and then glared up at the sky (because, clearly, that was where the music was coming from), and mumbled something about stupid songs and pesky movies under her breath. If Kutner noticed, he said nothing.

"What kind of nickname is Thirteen?" he asked after a few minutes of travelling down the White Linoleum Hall. "You a klutz or something?"

"No," Thirteen answered quickly. "That's the number House gave me."

"House didn't give me a number!" Kutner said, sounding vaguely offended. "He called me Can't-Scare-a-Crow," he added. "Then left me in that field." He shrugged. "So what's your real name?"

"I can't tell you that," she teased. "It would ruin the fun."

Sighing, Kutner stared at the sky. "Is it just me or did the lighting just get a little dimmer?"

"It's not you, I noticed that too," she said. "But I doubt it's anything to worry about."

Kutner was momentarily distracted from this problem when he looked down. "Why are you holding my hand?"

--

The door opened once again, and Taub poked his head in, but disappeared momentarily, returning (followed by Foreman) with a chair.

Kutner saw a glimmer of hope when he noticed Taub was carrying two chairs, but Taub set it down beside Wilson's chair and Amber slid out of Wilson's lap into the chair. He groaned audibly.

"No chairs for boys who bang concussed girls," House told him.

"Unfortunately, yes," he said, sounding a little peeved. He had gone over this a million and three times.

Amber laughed, but her amusement was cut short by Thirteen's newest string of incoherent mumbling, which definitely included the word "Kutner".

"She's obviously not having the dream I have every night. More like a nightmare now."

"Oh shut up House," Cuddy said, taking a fingernail file out of her purse and touching up her nails. "She could be dreaming about pink elephants, it doesn't really matter."

"Well it's more entertaining to guess at what she's dreaming about than it is to sit here and watch her sleep."

--

Thirteen looked down at their hands and noticed that, yes, they were in fact interlocked. She thought she had let go of his hand after dragging him with her, but it seemed she had not. With the faintest of blushes she responded with a defensive, "Is there a problem with that?" and let go of his hand. She sped up her pace, just enough so that she was walking about a foot in front of Kutner.

"Well, no," Kutner replied. "It was just weird, is all, seeing as we've just met."

Thirteen gave herself an internal smack on the head. Of course, this wasn't actually Kutner. This was Dream Kutner, Scarecrow Kutner, a version of Kutner that she hadn't met before now, one that didn't actually know her.

She really, really, _really _wanted to wake up.

"You're going the wrong way, Thirteen." Kutner grabbed her hand again, leading her in the correct direction, and Thirteen blinked, having not realised what she was even doing. She mumbled a thank you, and the two continued on their way, not mentioning the hand holding again.

"So how long should this little journey take?"

"No more than half a day, unless we run into problems," he said vaguely.

"What kind of problems could we run into?" she said, looking along the hall. She knew the answers, the witches would be wanting their lingerie back any time now.

"The witches, you know. And you never know what you could encounter in the PNS Forest," he told her.

She chuckled a little. "Lions and tigers and bears?" she asked.

"Oh, no," Kutner replied. "Those are extinct in PROZ or something."

Thirteen chuckling became full on laughter. "Extinct? That certainly is odd."

Kutner shrugged. "House probably just got sick of all the 'lions and tigers and bears, oh my!' chanting and had them sent somewhere else."

Thirteen couldn't tell if he was joking or not, but knowing House, any sort of House, for that matter, made her think it probably wasn't that far from the truth. In any case, she didn't particularly enjoy the chanting either, and just saw that was one less thing she had to try and avoid. "So, what's the PNS Forest?"

"Princeton's Northern Scenic Forest. There isn't a southern forest, and it isn't really any more scenic than the eastern forest, so nobody really knows why House named it that." Kutner paused for a minute. "Well, I mean, we can take a guess."

Thirteen ran the name over in her mind. "Oh, because it's like the part of the brain?" She didn't quite know why House would name a forest after the Peripheral Nervous System, but hey, the man was odd.

"Did she just say penis?" Amber asked, leaning in towards Thirteen in an attempt to better hear what the other woman was saying. "I think she's having your dream again, House."

"Which one?" House asked

"Oh, you know, that one that involves penis."

House grinned, looking over at Wilson. "Oh yeah. That one."

"I think she just said 'bears'," Kutner said loudly. 'Penis' wasn't his favorite topic of conversation.

"Like lions and tigers and bears? Or like bare?" House asked.

"I'm thinking the former," Kutner said. He actually didn't know either way but House's sex jokes just didn't amuse him that much after three hours.

House raised an eyebrow. "What did you two do last night?"

"I've already told you this story."

"_Before _you did the concussing and the doing."

"Watched a movie and had a couple beers."

"What did you watch?"

Kutner looked a little exasperated. "I don't know- the Wizard of Oz was on TV," he said, shrugging. "Is this relevant?"

House grinned from ear to ear, a sight that most in the room found to be quite disturbing. "She is very clearly not having one of my dreams," he said. "She is totally having a lame ass Wizard of Oz style dream."

"Then why is she mumbling about Cuddy, and me?" Kutner thought it would make sense, her having a dream about that, since they had just watched the movie last night, but he still found it a bit odd.

"You're clearly the scarecrow, and Cuddy is obviously one of the wicked witches." House paused for a moment. "Doesn't explain the penis thing, but hey, maybe she isn't having a PG-rated Wizard of Oz dream."

"Maybe Kutner doesn't have a brain because he's too busy thinking with something else," Amber suggested.

House looked like he might be considering that idea, then nodded. "You know, you might be onto something, mister. Good job."

"I am not the scarecrow!" Kutner said. This was getting ridiculous. Not to mention totally unfair. "I do have a brain!"

"It obviously goes unused," House retorted.

He didn't bother arguing. "Fine. But maybe she didn't say penis. Maybe she said something that just sounded like penis. I think she said forest after it too." This was Kutner's lame attempt at distracting House and Amber from abusing him anymore.

"A penis forest?" Taub interjected, looking very skeptical.

"Oh yes, I think that is every girl's dream. A forest full penises." Amber said it so straight faced, without any hint of a joke, that if what she was saying hadn't been so ridiculous every man in the room might have believed her.

"Of course," Cuddy agreed. "Secret's out."

Kutner threw his hands up in surrender. "I give up!"

"Don't give up yet Kutner, we've still got a few hours to go," Foreman said sarcastically behind his newspaper, uncrossing his legs and stretching them out in front of him.

--

Kutner didn't seem to know quite what she was talking about, as he just looked at her as if she had two heads. "No, because... um. Never mind."

"No really...what?" she said, looking around as if the answer to the joke would pop up in flashing lights and confetti.

"PNS forest."

"Yeah, Peripheral Nervous System."

"Sure. But say it slowly." He wondered if she was the brainless one of the two.

"...Oh." She scowled. "Of course, it's a man joke."

Kutner shrugged a little. "I think it's funny."

"You would."

* * *


	4. Chapter 3: Heartless

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

Chapter 3: Heartless

* * *

They had been walking for a while when Thirteen noticed that it had become considerably less-well-lit. They were under the cover of large, old trees. The sun filtered through them and it strongly reminded Thirteen of bad amateur porn lighting. "Is this the forest?" she said as they walked into a bright spot of light, but as soon as they stepped out of it it was almost too dark to see.

"Yeah, a bit creepy isn't it?"

"Eh, just weirdly lit," she said, shrugging nonchalantly.

Kutner glanced around the dim area and shrugged. "Not all that unusual for a forest," he said.

That may have been true, but walking through it reminded Thirteen of odd angles, fuzzy pictures, and fake, overly dramatized moaning. Then again, if House owned this forest, maybe that was what he was going for. Somehow. Thirteen didn't quite know if a person could control the lighting of a forest.

The forest darkened substantially as they came to a turn in the path, and saw a small, square cottage and sitting out in front of it was a man, seemingly stuck in place, with a newspaper obscuring his face. Not just any man, Thirteen noted, Foreman.

"Holy cr- so that's where he went!" Kutner exclaimed. He trotted over to the frozen Foreman and poked him with a stick.

"How do we fix him?" Thirteen asked. She thought that Foreman definitely fit the role of the Tinman, but didn't think there would be a conveniently placed oil can to save him.

Kutner stood quietly for a moment, deep in thought. Suddenly, his once somber expression lightened. "Oh, I know!" he exclaimed. "We have to get him a cup of coffee!"

Thirteen raised an eyebrow and looked around. "How're we supposed to make a cup of coffee?"

Kutner pointed at the cottage. "There might be a coffee maker in there." He walked quickly toward it and Thirteen followed. Sure enough, upon entering the cottage, they noticed a coffee maker, identical to the one in the diagnostics room, sitting in the kitchen. Upon further inspection, they also found a bag of coffee beans.

They quickly prepared some coffee, and Thirteen discovered a red coffee mug in a cabinet. They poured a cup and walked outside, setting it in front of Foreman. The mug just sitting there did nothing to help Foreman's situation, so Thirteen lifted the mug to his lips and let some of the coffee splash him in the face. A hand shot up and Foreman grabbed the mug and downed all of his coffee in two gulps. He stood up and stretched.

--

"I think she just said Foreman," Cuddy said suddenly as another string of incoherent mumblings escaped Thirteen's lips.

"If my deductions are correct, that makes you-" House began.

Foreman interrupted. "The Tinman, I know, haha," he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes and resuming reading his newspaper. "I was pretty sure that role would be yours, House."

"I'm obviously the Wizard," House said importantly. "Don't you know anything?"

Foreman laughed a little. "I know lots of things. The inner-workings of Thirteen is not one of those things," he said. He was very clearly joking.

"Obviously she likes the Wizard of Oz," Amber muttered.

"I wonder who you are in this twisted dream of hers." House turned towards Amber with a rather mischievous gleam in his eyes.

"Probably a Wicked Witch. Seeing as Cuddy is the one that got landed on, I must be the one with the flying monkeys and smoke screens," she deduced calmly.

Wilson just rolled his eyes at the two of them as House made some kind of cutting retort.

--

"Hi Kutner," Foreman said bluntly.

"Hey," Kutner said back. "What happened?"

Foreman rolled his eyes. "Cuddy froze me, I tried to get her thong for House." He stretched a bit more, his joints popping as he did so.

Thirteen raised an eyebrow and Kutner chuckled. "I thought you were Cuddy's little lapdog?"

"Well, I felt like a challenge," he said evasively. "I don't really care."

"Because you don't have a heart?" Thirteen suggested.

Foreman raised an eyebrow. "Something like that."

"Have you tried asking House to...I don't know, put you on a transplant list?"

Kutner and Foreman looked at each other, both slightly puzzled. But Foreman shrugged.

"Oh yeah, Foreman, this is Thirteen. She got the thong and we're delivering it to House," Kutner said. "So we can all share a bit of the glory."

Thirteen thought briefly about arguing that, saying that she should be getting all the 'glory', as she was the one who knocked Cuddy unconscious, but she decided it didn't really matter. It was a dream, anyway.

"What are we waiting for, then?" Foreman said. "Let's get going."

--

"Can we leave yet?" House was tapping his cane on the floor, on the side of his chair, on Wilson, and on Amber. He'd probably asked the question about five times in the past two seconds, but Cuddy's answer wasn't changing.

"You can leave when we're sure Dr Hadley is alright."

House mumbled something that nobody cared to catch, and continued on with his cane tapping rotation. Amber began tapping him back, and he gave up the rotation in favor of seeing who would back down from their 'tapping war' first.

Wilson sighed. "You two are ridiculous."

"Looks like it." The door once again opened, and in came Chase and Cameron, both carrying a few brown bags.

"Where's the party?" Chase asked, looking around. "We heard from a nurse you were all cooped up in here, what's going on?" he added, pointing to Thirteen.

House explained the situation in graphic detail (glorifying himself as the innocent victim of Cuddy's blame and making Kutner look intentionally horrible in the process) with much gesticulating, only pausing a few times to tap Amber, and Chase and Cameron nodded and 'uh-huh'd through the entire thing. They seemed to have translated the story into its unbiased form by the time he was done.

"So how long have you all been here?"

"Three weeks," House said sarcastically, jabbing Amber particularly hard.

"Me and Taub have been here about forty-five minutes," Foreman said helpfully. "House and Kutner have been in here all morning," he added.

"And she hasn't woken up?" Cameron inquired.

"She's done nothing but mumble in her sleep."

House gestured questioningly to the bags Chase and Cameron were holding, and they set them down on a bedside table. "We brought food, didn't know if you guys had lunch yet."

"I think I love you," House said when Chase handed him a sandwich. "Like, seriously. No offense, Wilson."

"None taken." Wilson was biting into his own sandwich. "I think Amber is going to be crushed, though, if you ruin the nice little threesome we've got going."

Amber nodded, a somber expression set on her face. "Devastated, actually. Please, don't do this to us."

"Wouldn't dream of it, darlin'."

"You three are hilarious," Chase deadpanned. He finished passing out the sandwiches to everyone, and then went to grab chairs for Cameron and himself. Kutner let out a barely audible groan when, once again, he was left the only one without a chair. "So... you're just watching her?"

"Among other things." House said, mouth full of sandwich. "Hey, this one has pickles." He grimaced and removed the top piece of bread from the sandwich. Once the pickles were removed, he reached over and placed them on top of Amber's sandwich. She just raised an eyebrow and continued eating.

"I can see what those nurses meant about a party," Cameron said.

"There's one going on, you just can't see it. Not in the Secret Friendship Club." House finished his food and handed Cameron his trash. She rolled her eyes and threw it away.

--

The three set back to walking down the White Linoleum Hallway, this time with no hand holding (Kutner tried, but Foreman was having none of it.) It was a lot more silent than when it had just been Thirteen and Kutner, as Foreman seemed intent on reading his newspaper, and kept telling the other two to stop distracting him.

"This is lame," Kutner said. "You shouldn't walk and read, Foreman, you'll run into-" There was a dull thunk. "A tree."

Foreman rubbed his face. "Point taken." He folded up the newspaper and tucked it under his arm. "You guys haven't met Amber or Cuddy recently have you? They've been quiet for a while...it's suspicious."

"No, we haven't, actually," Thirteen said.

"Oh, haven't you?" Another voice cut into their conversation, causing all three of them to look around. "Clearly, you spoke to soon." Thirteen knew it was Amber, that was one voice that was all too familiar, but she could not seem to locate the other woman. Kutner and Foreman seemed to be having just as much luck as she was in that area.

There was a rustling in the trees, and a steady stream of orange-ish smoke came into the clearing. Thirteen thought it a bit much, honestly. When the smoke cleared, Amber stood in its place, clad in a black mini-skirt, a red blouse, and a ridiculous, stereotypical witch hat.

--

All of the food had been eaten within half an hour, and Kutner had reduced himself to lying down on the floor at the foot of Thirteen's bed, because sitting was becoming too much trouble. He was starting to doze off finally when the end of House's cane jabbed him in the shoulder.

"Why'd you do that?" he groaned.

"No sleeping on the job," Cuddy said, raising an eyebrow.

Kutner sighed. This day was just getting longer and longer. "Why not? It's not as there's anything else productive to do."

"Well, it's your responsibility to be awake when she wakes up," Cuddy told him.

"I'm sure she'll be thrilled to see me, if she, you know, knows who I am at all," he said sarcastically, pushing himself back into a sitting position.

Cameron stood rather suddenly. "Well, hate to leave the party, but we have to get back to work. Have a good day everybody," she said, grabbing Chase's hand and pulling him from the room with her.

Amber looked at her watch and sighed. "I should be going in a little while myself, Wilson," she said looking at Wilson and House.

"Well our little group is just thinning out rather quickly," House said, trying to look disappointed. "There will be more room," he added as an afterthought.

"And a free chair!" Kutner said happily, crossing the room and sitting in Chase's now empty chair. "Finally."

--

"So I heard that you." She pointed to Thirteen. "Finally got Cuddy's thong. That's all well and good, of course, but I think you should give it back. You can't possibly know how to use it's power anyway." Amber laughed coldly.

"That doesn't mean I have to give it back to you," Thirteen said defiantly.

"You aren't from around here are you? We run the show. You do as we say."

Thirteen laughed. "Sorry, Amber, not today."

Amber laughed again, a deep laugh, one that reverberated through the cold air of the forest. Thirteen really wished she could glare at her subconscious for being so ridiculous and over-dramatic. "Oh, I think that is where you are wrong. I am going to get that thong back. You know how I know? Because I always get what I want." She paused for a minute. "Also, I kind of need an excuse to go bug House." She shrugged, then returned to her previous demeanor. "Hand it over, and I won't hurt you."

Thirteen muttered something about children's movies and violence, but nobody else seemed to catch it.

"Maybe you should hand it over," Kutner said thoughtfully. "It would be safer."

"No, Kutner. I told Cameron I'd get the thong to House. I'm not going to give up." Plus, she really, really really wanted to wake up from this dream, and she felt like her dream didn't want Amber or Cuddy to have the thong. She was going to play along as best she could, and she wouldn't give into Amber when she was awake, and there was no way in hell she'd give into her in her dream. She stood her ground, and made sure the thong stayed in her pocket.

Amber rolled her eyes. "House isn't going to actually reward you for giving him that, you know. He just wants to see if anybody can actually get it." Amber was probably right, that did seem like a very House thing to do, but Thirteen still did not want to give over the thong. She was going to get out of this godforsaken dream if it was the last thing she did.

The forest suddenly seemed to be getting a lot darker. Amber was nonchalantly applying new lipstick as it did so, and Thirteen rolled her eyes.

"I guess we'll just have to do this the hard way, then."

--

Amber pulled a compact out of her purse, and began touching up her make up. She patted down her hair and clothing, and grinned once she was satisfied.

"New lipstick?" House asked.

"Yes... that is a bit odd you noticed."

House grinned widely. "I notice everything."

"I'm sure you do." Amber stood up and kissed Wilson on the cheek. "I'll see you later."

Wilson kissed her back and said goodbye. House gave her a last poke of his cane, which was met with a thump on the back of the head.

"Bye, CB!" he yelled cheerfully as she exited the room. He lifted up his cane and make to poke Wilson with it. "Hey, Wilson-"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yes. That's yours and Amber's game."

"Well, fine then." He poked him anyway, and Wilson just sighed.


	5. Chapter 4: Courage, It Didn't Come

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

Chapter 4: Courage, My Word, It Didn't Come

* * *

The light in the forest continued to dim, and Thirteen could do nothing but sigh in exasperation. The rush of wind could be heard off in the distant, though it sounded a bit strange, almost as if it wasn't quite wind that was being heard.

Amber, having finished her beauty regimen, lifted her arms up in an ever so familiar (not to Amber) way. A wicked (far more Amber-like) smirk was planted on her face, and she once again let out a maniacal sort of laughter. She began to mumble something that Thirteen couldn't quite make out over the now deafening sound of... wings?

"Get them!" Amber yelled.

Thirteen realised what was going on just as the flying monkeys came rushing at Kutner, Foreman, and herself. Amber seemed almost gleeful as they began flying in circles around them, dirt and debris joining the cyclone and getting in their eyes. Thirteen knew it was just a ridiculous dream, but she could actually feel the dirt clouding her vision, could feel the abrasions forming on her arms. She attempted a glare at Amber, but she assumed it wasn't going to have the exact effect she wanted.

Over the sound of the flying monkeys, a, "Hey, dumb asses, don't get dirt on me! I have to see Wilson later!" from Amber was heard. Thirteen could make out her angry features, and it was almost comical.

Regardless of the comedy, Thirteen wasn't given much time to laugh, with violent flying monkeys charging her and all. A yell of, "Duck!" was heard and Thirteen was pulled to the ground. The monkeys, it seemed, didn't have a very fast reaction time, and flew over them, stopping in mid-air on the other side of the path and turning.

--

"I'm bored."

"I know, House."

"Really, really bored."

"Yes, I gathered that."

Wilson was about ready to murder House, as he had decided he felt the need to inform everyone in the room of his boredom every five seconds. House opened his mouth to do this once more, but he was cut off by more mumblings from Thirteen.

"Did she just say something about monkeys?" Taub asked. He'd obviously forgotten about Amber's previous comments about the wicked witch and her monkeys, because he looked quite perplexed.

House leaned in closer to catch what she was saying. "Yup, Amber was right, she's the other witch, and she has monkeys."

Wilson laughed. "I'm sure she'll be pleased."

"She does have a strange affection for primates, yes." House stuck his tongue out at Wilson.

"She's rather fond of you, too, you know," Wilson replied.

House made a noise that clearly expressed his opinion on that matter and shook his head. Wilson rolled his eyes.

The room fell back into silence. Kutner began leaning back in the chair he was sitting in, quietly celebrating what he felt was a personal victory. House whacked him with his cane after about ten minutes of Kutner leaning back, leaning forward, and leaning back again. Kutner fell back, and he and the chair landed on the floor with a sickening thunk. He groaned and stood back up after a moment. House was snickering, Wilson was looking exasperated, Foreman was reading his newspaper, and Taub appeared to be... snickering as well.

Cuddy glared at House. "Do you want two employees with head injuries?"

"But Mom, he's already got a head injury," House whined. "It's a permanent one, even, nothing we can do about it." He shook his head sadly, casting a pity-filled glance over at Kutner.

Cuddy rolled her eyes at him and told him to stop being melodramatic. "No more injuring people, House."

House saluted. "Yes, ma'am."

--

"What kind of minions are you?" Amber hollered, throwing her hands up in the air. "How about you actually get them this time?"

The monkeys looked confused, and Thirteen actually did laugh that time, because it was quite funny how incompetent Amber's minions seemed to be. Amber yelled at them again, and they seemed to understand this time. They swooped to the ground, kicking up more dust. Thirteen coughed as she accidentally breathed some of it in, and she heard Kutner and Foreman do the same.

"Get the-" Amber was still yelling. "Ugh! I give up!" she shouted, throwing her hands down in defeat and being enveloped in a giant cloud of orange smoke. "I'll be back when I get better minions!" she yelled to Thirteen.

The flying monkeys flew off after a few minutes of looking at each other and shrugging.

Thirteen, Foreman, and Kutner got up, dusted themselves off and continued down the White Linoleum Hallway. Thirteen was still chuckling about Amber's poor choice in evil animals when they came to the darkest part of the forest yet.

"We need to be careful," Foreman said frankly.

Kutner nodded, agreeing with Foreman. "Aside from Amber and her monkeys, you never know what you could run into in this part."

"Not lions, tigers, and bears, thank god," Thirteen mumbled. Kutner and Foreman looked at her oddly, obviously not getting the reference, and the three continued on their way.

It was pretty quiet, Foreman hadn't pulled out his newspaper again, since the incident with the tree was obviously looming in his mind. Kutner was whistling and looking around at everything. Then there was a loud rustling through the trees. They all looked around, startled, and Kutner jumped behind Foreman.

"I hope it's not Amber again. Or Cuddy..." Kutner said, looking around wildly.

"Get out from behind me, Kutner," Foreman commanded, sidestepping and leaving Kutner out in the open as the footsteps and rustling grew louder. A few birds scattered from a nearby tree, and out stepped...

--

"That's it," Cuddy said after Kutner had resumed his leaning back-leaning forward regime with his chair. She stood and poked her head out of the room. "Orderly," she barked. "We've got some extra chairs, can you come get them?" she asked. "Get up Kutner," she said over her shoulder as a dark-haired orderly came into the room. He grabbed Cameron and Chase's abandoned chairs, and the one Amber had left behind (with some difficulty) and took them out of the room.

Kutner groaned and slid down the wall until he was on the floor again. "This blows."

"Well it is your fault," House said bluntly.

"Don't start that again, House," Cuddy said warily, straightening her skirt as she sat back down.

House blinked innocently. "Start what? I wasn't starting anything." He pointed over at Kutner. "He, on the other hand, totally started it all." He turned to Wilson, his voice lowered in a mock-whisper. "He had sex with a concussed chick, you know."

"Oh my, really?" Wilson gasped slightly, playing in with House's mocking of Kutner. "That is so horrible, why would he do that?"

Kutner groaned. "Shut up, all of you." He buried his face in his hands. He was sick of everyone making fun of him, and he just wanted Thirteen to wake up so everyone could leave. She'd probably make fun of him too, because she usually did, but at least it would just be her. He didn't see everyone else staying in here after Cuddy gave them the clearance to leave.

"Stop mumbling to yourself," House said, breaking Kutner out of his thoughts. "And I might just stay in here until I'm sure Thirteen has made a full recovery, just so that I may get in some more good old fashioned Kutner teasing."

"Oh, well, then I'd have to stay to keep you company," Wilson added.

"And CB would have to come along to keep you company."

"And play the poking game."

"Oh yes. It'd be one big party!" House grinned at Kutner. "How does that sound?"

Kutner turned around and began beating his head against the wall.

--

Taub.

With cat ears stuck on his head.

"Taub!" Kutner shouted excitedly.

Even Foreman cracked a grin and went over to shake his friend's hand. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, House sent me out to get the thong and I couldn't, so I hid out here instead of going back..."

"Way to be a chicken," Kutner chortled.

Taub glared at him. "Watch it Kutner. I know where you sleep." He noticed Thirteen staring at his cat ears. "I lost a bet with House."

"That makes sense," Thirteen said.

"Oh, yeah, Taub, this is Thirteen. She got the thong from Cuddy, and Amber is after her so we're escorting her to Princeton-Plainsboro. You in?" Kutner explained, looking hopefully at Taub.

Taub patted Thirteen on the back. "Good job! How'd you get it?"

"Dropped a bed on Cuddy," Thirteen replied, shrugging Taub's hand off.

Taub looked a little confused, but he grinned. "Ah, cool."

Kutner looked like he was going to explode from anticipation. "So, you in, Taub?"

Taub looked like he was seriously thinking the matter over. As each second went by, Kutner looked more and more like he was going to have some sort of aneurysm, or nervous break down, as he was growing more and more sure that Taub was going to say no. Thirteen flicked his the side of his head slightly. "Kutner, stop that, he'll say yes."

--

"She just said Taub," Foreman said, totally deadpan, not even looking away from the article he was reading in his newspaper.

Everyone paused, and House laughed raucously.

"What's so funny?" Taub commanded, glaring.

"Kutner's the scarecrow, Foreman's the tin man, Cuddy and Amber are the witches," House listed off the roles everyone was playing, trying to hold in his laughter well enough to be understood. "If she's talking about you now, then you must be the cowardly lion."

Taub scowled. "Why would I be the cowardly lion?"

"Because you like to hide from things?" House suggested.

Taub glared at House, sneaking in a brief glance over at Wilson before rolling his eyes and telling House he had no idea what he was talking about.

"Sure you don't. Whatever, you're the lion." House paused for a moment. "Hey, Wilson, does the witch have some sort of sex slave in The Wizard of Oz?"

Wilson looked more than just a bit bewildered. "Um, no, House, she doesn't."

"Pity, no role for you, then," he said with a grin.

"You're hilarious," Wilson said. "I'm probably chilling with you in Oz while you're pretending to be a wizard."

"Unless Thirteen is a lot more kinky than we previously thought."

"I doubt her idea of fun is Amber tying me to a bedpost," Wilson deadpanned. "Might be yours, though, you're weird like that."

"Hey now, stop projecting yourself onto me."

House stretched his legs out, and before Wilson knew what House was doing, House's legs were resting on Wilson's lap. House made a noise of contentment and stuck his tongue out at Wilson for what must have been the billionth time that day. Wilson flicked House's foot. "I'm not your foot rest, you know."

"But... oh my... I thought you were." House did his best to look apologetic. "So very sorry, Wilson." His feet didn't move though, so Wilson just set about tying House's laces together.

--

Taub grinned again. "Oh, will I?"

Thirteen rolled her eyes. Of course he was going to, that's how the dream was intended to go. "Of course you are going to."

"Well, I don't know..." Taub said, in a teasing sort of tone that was clearly meant to mock Kutner some more.

"Come on, just say yes!" Kutner yelled.

Thirteen laughed slightly, as did Taub. Even Foreman cracked a grin. "Alright, alright," said Taub. "I'll come with you guys to give House the thong."

Kutner let out a great whooping noise, which resulted in an eyeroll from both Foreman and Thirteen.

"You're a bit ridiculous sometimes, I hope you know that, Kutner." Thirteen smiled, in spite of herself. At least dream Kutner was just as fun as real Kutner.

Kutner grabbed Thirteen's hand, and Taub's elbow, and dragged them on forward. Foreman sighed and followed. "Come on, lets go! We're almost there!"


	6. Chapter 5: Vicodin Flowers

Yay chapter five!

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

Chapter Five

* * *

"So, how much longer until we get there?" Thirteen asked impatiently. The light was slowly but surely getting brighter as they were coming to the exit of the forest.

"Oh it shouldn't be that much farther," Kutner said absently.

The path spilled out into a large field, and over the huge hills of oddly shaped white flowers, she could see the huge brick structure. "That's not far at all!" she said, feeling inexplicably excited about completing her journey. It was just a stupid dream, nothing to get worked up over. "What kind of flowers are those?" she asked. They weren't poppies, that was apparent, but she wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen when they walked through this field.

"Vicodin flowers," Taub supplied. "Don't stop to smell them or anything. Just walk through the field."

"Are they dangerous?" Thirteen raised an eyebrow.

"Not usually."

Thirteen walked on through the field, ahead of the three men. The strong scent of the vicodin flowers filled the air, and Thirteen tried not to smell it too much. Kutner, Taub, and Foreman trailed behind her, ignoring the flowers. She thought the flowers smelled like the inside of the hospital, mixed with the actual smell of vicodin. It wasn't entirely horrible, but still not pleasant.

"What happens if you sniff them?" she asked over her shoulder.

"One doesn't do much. But too many and you turn into some kind of idiot. House sits out here for hours," Foreman said.

"So they get you high?"

"More or less."

Thirteen just hoped there wasn't any wind today. If they smelled too much of the flowers, they might get off track, and she was particularly excited to be naring the end of her dream, anything that could slow them down was definitely something worth avoiding.

--

"How long have we been in here?" House asked.

"A really long time," Kutner grumbled from the floor. "Ridiculously long."

"Well it's not like you two complaining about it is going to wake her up," Cuddy said shortly.

"Do you think it could be really serious?" Kutner said miserably. "Like, she could have amnesia or severe brain damage or something..."

House shrugged. "That's your burden."

"No it isn't!" he said, looking up. "I'll admit, it is my fault for the first time she hit her head, and she should've stayed home to rest, but even going through the day here with a concussion, she could've laid down in your office. It's your fault she's like this, because if you hadn't left your stupid toys lying around she wouldn't have hit her head a second time."

"He has a point," Foreman said reasonably.

"Let's settle this like this," Cuddy said before House could retort. "It's both of your faults. Kutner should've been more responsible and more careful, and House shouldn't have left his toys all over the hospital for someone to hurt themselves on. That's the last I want to hear of it from either of you."

House pouted, and Kutner smiled a little victoriously.

Wilson rolled his eyes at House. "Sulking isn't going to get you anywhere, you know."

House ceased his pouting for a moment to give Wilson a grin. "Only into your pants."

"Well, yes, there is that, but I doubt you'll be getting into my pants while everyone else is here." Wilson returned the grin House gave him, and the two laughed upon seeing the looks on everyone else's face.

"I would hope you'd keep your clothes on while in a patient room," Cuddy said.

House shook his head. "That is what you say now."

"Can we stop talking about this?" Kutner asked. "How did we even get on this topic?"

House pointed at Wilson, and at the exact same time, Wilson pointed an accusatory finger at House. "All him," they both said.

"Shoosh, both of you." Cuddy let out an exasperated sigh. "Sometimes, I'd like it if my _department heads_ would act just a little older than their shoe sizes."

--

Suddenly, as if purposefully trying to contradict her thoughts (which was highly possible, as this was, you know, a dream), the wind started blowing, the gusts picking up speed and carrying the faint sound of maniacal laughter. Thirteen rolled her eyes. "Amber and Cuddy found each other," she mumbled.

She heard Kutner giggling maniacally after a few seconds.

"This isn't good," she mumbled, but suddenly her head felt very light and she found that she didn't care. Taub had sat down on the path, Foreman right beside him.

The dulcet tones of Amber and Cuddy's combined laughter echoed through Thirteen's head, even though she was pretty sure she could not longer actually hear it. She wobbled a bit, as her feet seemed hell-bent on going wherever they felt like, even if it wasn't in the same direction as one another. She stumbled into Kutner, who laughed at her.

"Don't laugh at me," she muttered. She grabbed onto his elbow, attempting to stabilise herself. The contact felt good, and even after she felt she could stand up just fine, she still held on.

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow, but didn't protest. She smiled comfortably. She leaned a little in to his side, not because she needed to, but because it seemed like a good idea right then. She wrapped a heavy arm around his shoulders and giggled a little. He looked at her oddly, and tried to speak a few times, but he said nothing. In her drugged haze, Thirteen momentarily forgot this was a dream, and Kutner's reaction to her touch confused her. She played with his hair. "What's wrong?"

"You're, um," he laughed a little. "You're really high, Thirteen. We need to get out of this field."

--

"She said Kutner that time," Wilson noted, sounding intrigued. "She sounded kind of upset."

"Maybe dream Kutner isn't as good in bed," House said, rolling his eyes.

Taub and Foreman laughed.

"I doubt that's happening. The Wizard of Oz is a kid's story."

"But Thirteen's subconscious isn't," House reminded him. "What kind of kinks does she have that her mind could incorporate into this?"

Looking alarmed, Kutner held his hands up in surrender. "How the hell would I know that?" he asked. "We haven't exactly explored the kinky side in our 'together time'." He traced quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

"Slow and steady wins the race, Kutner, you shouldn't always be in such a hurry. Take your time, experiment a little."

"You would know," he snorted.

Wilson shrugged and nodded, and House whacked him on the knee with his cane. "Don't give him fuel," House hissed.

"Well you don't change your tactics much in bed, you know."

House looked very offended at even the thought of Wilson saying such a thing. "I am brilliant in bed, and I will not have you saying anything else."

"I'm just saying that you-"

Foreman glared and cut Wilson off. "We don't want to know, at all."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Well fine then," House said. "I didn't want you to know anyway."

"Stop pouting, House."

"I'm not pouting."

Wilson patted House's arm. "Sure you're not."

--

She shook her head. "I'm not that high." She ran her hand over his neck. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knew this probably wasn't a good idea, but she couldn't think of why she knew that, so she continued. Her vision was slightly blurry, and the scent of the vicodin flowers invaded her senses. She heard Kutner laugh again as she played with his hair.

Somewhere behind her, she heard Foreman say, "As interesting as this is, they better stop that soon."

Taub nodded in agreeance. "Watching Kutner get it on with some random chick wasn't really on my agenda for today."

"Random chick?" Thirteen asked. She wanted to ask Taub what he meant by that, because they clearly knew one another, but she stopped herself from voicing more aloud, groaning at her stupidity.

It was then that Thirteen remembered she was dreaming, and that dream Kutner was probably quite puzzled by her behaviour. "Sorry," she mumbled, pulling away from him. She was still in a bit of a fog, but she tried to will herself to think clearly. _This is just a dream_, she thought to herself. _And I need to move it along._

--

"I wonder how far into the movie she is," Kutner mused to himself, counting ceiling tiles to pass the time.

"Probably just past the poppy scene," House said. "Just an estimate though, we can't tell how fast her subconscious is spinning. I'm sure they've shaved off a lot of time, we haven't heard any musical numbers since she's been asleep."

"Which is good, because I'm totally tone deaf," Taub said, chuckling.

"So you think they're close to the end?" he asked, looking slightly excited by the prospect of getting out of the room sooner than later.

House shrugged. "Since I'm the wizard-" he drew himself up importantly. "I'm sure I'll make it difficult for her before I give her what she wants. Which is probably just to wake up anyway. I'll probably give them some grueling task or something."

"Like stealing Amber's broom or hairbrush or something ridiculously pointless," Wilson interjected, earning himself another whack across the knees.

"Nothing I ever assign is ridiculous."

Cuddy raised an eyebrow. "Funny, because I remember enlisting ten fellows to wash your car," she said bitingly.

"I was weeding out the weak-willed. Only Amber and Cole made it through that test," he replied simply. "Because they knew the value of an honest day's work."

"Or knew just the right buttons to push to make people quit," Kutner replied, though it was said with some air of fondness.

--

She grabbed Kutner's hand. "Come on," she said to him. "You two as well," she kicked Foreman and Taub lightly on the shins. "Let's go." They both stood up, wobbling slightly, and followed Thirteen, who was dragging Kutner behind her, down the path.

Gradually, the winds died down, as did the drug-induced behaviour. Thirteen let go of Kutner's hand when she noticed Taub and Foreman giving the two of them odd looks. "Stop staring," she said, glaring at them.

Foreman rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He opened his newspaper, seemingly pulled out of nowhere, and began reading once more. Taub picked up his pace a bit, so that he was walking closer to where Kutner and Thirteen were.

"Where are you from, Thirteen?" he asked. Thirteen raised an eyebrow at the out of the blue question, and Taub shrugged. "Just wondering."

"Far away from here, that's for sure," Thirteen replied. "I'm hoping House will know how to wake me up."

"Wake you up?"

"Get me home," she corrected herself. She didn't think she'd ever get quite used to being the only person in this dream who knew it was a dream. It was slowly growing old.

Taub shrugged again. "House probably could, it's just a matter of whether he wants to or not."

"Oh, he'll want to." Thirteen pointed at the thong in her pocket. "He wants this, doesn't he?" She just hoped he really did want it enough to help them out, to get her out of this messed up dream. She knew House was probably the only person who could get her out of here, as no matter how much she tried to will herself to do so, she did not wake up, and the dream did not end.


	7. Chapter 6: Into Princeton Plainsboro

Yay chapter!

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

Chapter 6: Into Princeton Plainsboro

* * *

They'd been walking through the field of vicodin flowers for what seemed like ages, and every step they took made the silhouette of Princeton-Plainsboro become more of a solid image. Thirteen felt a little excitement bubble up in her chest, and she was sure it wasn't from the vicodin.

They were all mostly in a good state of mind, finally out of the field and Princeton-Plainsboro seemed closer than ever. She could see the vast parking lot surrounding it. Why a city had a parking lot, she couldn't begin to fathom. It looked just like the hospital, from the outside at least.

"We're really close now," she said to Kutner, smiling.

"Yeah," he replied, nodding and smiling a little. None of the guys seemed nearly excited to see Princeton-Plainsboro, so she was sure they were just humouring her.

They finally got to the edge of the parking lot and Thirteen had to just stop and look at it for a few minutes. She was really _this _close to waking up. This close to a sandwich and the real Kutner and a world without flying monkeys and magical thongs.

Taking a deep breath, she grabbed Kutner's hand again as they walked through the huge parking lot. He didn't protest, he just shot a gloating smile at Taub and Foreman.

After a few more minutes of walking, they got to the front doors. Foreman went to open them, but they were locked, so he knocked on the glass.

Wilson came to the door, dressed in his normal lab coat and ugly ties. "What's up Foreman? You've been gone a while."

"Long story, can you let us in?" Foreman said through the glass.

"House is kind of in a bad mood right now, he's not letting anybody in or out," Wilson said, looking apologetic.

"We have the thong," Kutner said emphatically.

--

"Hey look, Wilson, you joined in on the orgy." Thirteen had just mumbled Wilson's name, along with a few unintelligible noises. House winked at Wilson suggestively. "Maybe she's going to catch you doing naughty things with that devious wizard or something."

Wilson nodded. "Oh, most definitely. Or maybe she'll catch me with the wicked witch."

"Which one? Not that is really matters, you'd probably be happy with either one." House received an eye roll from Cuddy at that.

"I'm going to have to go with the one that is actually my girlfriend," Wilson replied, laughing.

House flicked Wilson on the arm. "You really need to stop pretending to be the nice one, you make me look bad."

"Stop constantly making references to sex, then maybe you'd look better," Cuddy recommended. At some point, she had gotten a hold of a nail file, and she was working away at her nails, filing them down into smooth arches. House thought it really helped emphasise how bored they all were.

"In case you hadn't noticed," House replied. "Wilson makes just as many references to sex as I do. Sex with me, even."

"You're just a bad influence on him. Stop corrupting my other doctors." Cuddy grinned at House, laughing at the scowl he gave her. "I suppose Wilson's too far gone, though."

"Most assuredly," House said. "I really did a number on him." He patted Wilson on the leg. "You're damaged goods, Jimmy boy, nobody is going to want you now."

Wilson shook his head in a sad sort of way that almost made House laugh. "I was afraid of that."

"Don't worry, I'm sure we can pawn you off on somebody." House looked around the room. Everybody else seemed intent on ignoring him when he tried to make eye contact with him. "Well fine then, you people are no fun. Looks like you're stuck with me, Wilson."

"Wasn't I already?"

"This is very true."

--

"...You do?" Wilson looked puzzled.

"She does," Taub said, pointing at Thirteen.

"Who're you?"

"Thirteen."

Wilson raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. "I'll go talk to House about letting you in," he said, turning and disappearing around a corner.

Foreman rolled his eyes. "Just watch, Wilson's going to come back and tell us House changed his mind about the thong or something." Knowing House (the real one, not the dream one), Thirteen knew that was most like something the man would do, but she also knew this was a dream, and that if House turned them away, that would not be going in accordance with the movie this whole mess was based off of.

"I don't really care if he changes his mind," she said after a moment. "He's going to see us."

Taub, Foreman, and Kutner all gave her looks that clearly said they thought she was crazy, but they said nothing. Everyone stood by the door for about twenty minutes before they saw Wilson coming back toward the glass doors. His hair looked a little less immaculate than it had the first time he'd appeared, and his tie wasn't on all the way. Thirteen rolled her eyes. Even her dreams weren't free of the homoerotic undertones of House and Wilson's relationship. Either that, or Amber had taken time out of her busy wicked witch schedule and gone to visit him for a few minutes. Thirteen didn't really care to know.

Wilson opened the door and grinned at them, but before he could say anything, Kutner interrupted him. "House in a better mood now?" he asked cheekily.

Wilson ignored him. "He says he'll see you, follow me." He held one of the doors open for them, and they all filed into the building.

--

Kutner looked at Thirteen, an odd expression on his face. The same expression seemed to be on the faces of most of the people in the room as well, except for Taub and Foreman, who clearly weren't paying attention. "Did she just say 'homoerotic'?" Kutner asked.

"I don't think I even need to make a sexual reference." House laughed and shook his head. "Sounds like she's having a fun dream."

"Fun or emotionally traumatic, I can't really tell which," Kutner replied with a bit of a smirk. "She may never be the same after this," he added, trying to sound 'emotionally devastated'.

Wilson laughed and House glared at him. "I don't know, it's _her _subconscious, she obviously thinks about these things."

"I am sure that is somehow your fault," Wilson said. "I don't really know how it would be, but it so is."

"No, I think it's your fault, you need to stop making googly eyes at me all the time." House smirked and did a imitation of said 'googly eyes' Wilson supposedly made.

"I somehow think it's everyone in this room's fault," Foreman said abruptly. Then he cleared his throat. "Except mine."

Taub rolled his eyes. "Of course it's not your fault. Never is."

"Exactly," Foreman agreed, rolling his eyes when he hid behind his newspaper.

--

Thirteen recognized the majority of the usual staff as the people hurrying around in front of them, she even spotted Chase filling up a coffee cup. Wilson led them into the elevators and they were on their way up. The elevator was rather crowded, but luckily it wasn't a long trip. Most of the people got off on the couple of floors before their stop, and when they stepped off, it was much less crowded.

Wilson led them down a hallway. Thirteen spotted a few vending machines lining the hallways, and Kutner stopped at one to get a candy bar. She rolled her eyes at it and grabbed his arm before they got too far behind the other three. The passed a wooden door labelled 'James Wilson' before they got to House's glass office. Wilson opened the door, once again, for them and they all entered the office.

"Welcome," someone said, a high backed leather chair directly in front of them. The chair spun around to reveal House, tossing a red ball, just a bit bigger than a tennis ball, up and down as he studied them. "So my _useless _subordinates return. But who might you be?" he asked, looking at Thirteen with thinly veiled curiosity. "Don't roll your eyes at me," he said to Taub, who had indeed rolled his eyes at House's comment. He turned back to Thirteen. "Well, who are you?"

"Thirteen," she said. She pulled the thong out of her pocket and spun it around on her index finger. "I believe you wanted this?"

He raised an eyebrow. "How did you come across this fascinating piece of history?" he asked. "You aren't a lesbian are you?"

Thirteen shook her head. "Nope, not a lesbian." She stopped spinning the underwear, instead letting them hang loosely off her finger. "Cuddy just happened to land under my bed. And Cameron is the one that took them off her, really." Thirteen grinned at the momentary look of shock on House's face. She heard Wilson cough.

"Well that's an amazing tale!" he said appreciatively. "Now can I have it?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I need a favor from you before I can hand it over," she told him firmly. "If you aren't going to do me this favor, you aren't getting the thong and that's final," she added.

They were all staring at House now. "Right. So name your terms, Miss Thirteen," he said, a bit of sarcasm placed on her name.

"I'm not from around here, obviously," Thirteen replied. "I'd like to get home."

--

"I think we're nearing the end of this fantastic voyage," House said sarcastically. "She just said 'home', or something to that effect."

"Must be asking you to get her home, she wouldn't be at the end yet," Kutner said. Everyone looked at him. "We just watched it last night, okay? Fresh in my mind. Nobody thinks House is weird for knowing the storyline."

"I know everything," House said.

Wilson turned to Cuddy, a look of concern on his face. "He keeps having these delusions of grandeur, I'm getting kind of worried," he said to her in a stage whisper.

"We'll send him to psych when Dr. Hadley wakes up," Cuddy replied in her own stage whisper, hardly concealing her laughter. "I think there's medication for things like that."

Wilson nodded in agreement, looking at House with a face full of mock-concern. "We'll get you better," he said in a 'I'm talking to a deaf puppy' voice, patting House on the knee.

House patted Wilson's knee back. "The voices say I should kill you, you know." His tone was very quiet, and very composed, and Kutner, who was laughing quietly, really didn't know how he did it sometimes. House looked Wilson, hoping to convey how very torn up inside he was right at that moment. "I don't want to listen to them, I really don't, but they are very insistent."

"Persistent," Foreman corrected.

--

"Where's home?" he asked. "And why would you think I could help you?"

"Aren't you suppose to be some great wizard? You can help me." Thirteen knew how the story ended, how the dream had to end, but she didn't think she'd be able to skip to the finale without getting House to help her first.

"Way to not answer the question," House said. "How can I get you home when I don't know where you live?"

"If it's really relevant, New Jersey," she said, sounding cross. "Now are you going to help me or what, House?"

House gave her an odd look. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, just looked at her, as if sizing her up, trying to figure her out. "Well, you did get the thong because of that little lesbian threesome of yours, so I suppose I can help you, yes."

She tossed the thong to him and he caught he, admiring it with a certain fondness. "This just makes my day that much better," he said, winking at Wilson. "But I need one more favor of you before I help you get home," he said.

She groaned. "House, no, just tell me how to get home."

"It's just a letter I need delivered, personally," he said, shrugging. "But if you want to be trapped here forever..."

"Fine, fine," Thirteen said. She didn't want to waste any more time arguing with him. "What do you want us to do with the letter?"

"Us?" Foreman, Kutner, and Taub all asked.

Thirteen cast them a look. "Yes. Us. You want some of the credit for this, right?" They all nodded, so she set her attentions on House once more.

"Wilson needs to skip out on his dinner date with Amber." Wilson nodded in agreement. "So I need you to take this letter to her."

Kutner's eyes widened. "We have to go see her again?"

"She's not that bad," Wilson said defensively. "She just... really likes being a wicked witch."

"You should see her acting it up in bed," House added.

"I don't think we need to know about your personal life. Give me the letter, we'll deliver it."

He handed over a neatly folded piece of paper. "Now get out of here, kids," he said, shooing them out of the office.


	8. Chapter 7: In the Witches' Castle

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

Chapter 7: Inside the Witches' Castle

* * *

"So, we just deliver the letter and get out of there, right?" Kutner asked for what seemed like the billionth time.

Thirteen didn't even bother rolling her eyes that time, seemed far too redundant at this point. "Amber's not going to kill us. We just have to give her the letter from Wilson, and then we can go."

"But what if she gets angry?" Kutner asked. "And kills us?"

"_I'm_ going to kill you if you don't shut up." Thirteen glared at Kutner. "We're just delivering a letter. We're not going to break into her place, or steal anything from her, or generally annoy her in any way, just give her a letter from her boyfriend. That is all."

"Why is Wilson seeing Amber anyway, if she's a wicked witch, and he works for House?" Thirteen was going to punch Kutner if he asked one more question.

"Shut up, Kutner," Foreman, Taub, and Thirteen all said.

"Wilson's love life doesn't matter," Thirteen added.

Foreman and Taub nodded. "It's none of our business," Foreman said. "And quite frankly, I really do _not _want to know what those three get up to."

"But she's a _wicked witch_." Kutner was really not getting the point, so Thirteen punched him on the shoulder.

"Ow!" Kutner pouted. "That hurt!"

"Good," Thirteen said. "Now stop it."

Thirteen pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. Before they had left to go make the delivery, Wilson had written (well, scrawled, really) down directions to the castle Amber could be found in. He'd also drawn a small diagram of the place, pinpointing the door they would need to enter through, so as to avoid any possible traps Amber and Cuddy might have laying around. She held up, closer to her face, and squinted as she tried to make out the seemingly random etchings across the paper's surface. "We need to go left up here... At least I think that is what this says." She handed the paper to Foreman, who took his eyes away from his newspaper to try and see if he could read the writing.

"Yeah, you're correct, we need to go left just up there." He pointed toward what looked like a four way intersection. Thirteen didn't remember there being any other roads in the Wizard of Oz, but apparently there were more here, in her dream, as they had long departed from the White Linoleum Hallway and were now making their way down what appeared to be a normal road, excepting the fact that there was a lack of traffic signs and cars.

--

"I don't really hear voices, you know," House said out of nowhere. "You know. In case anyone was wondering."

"Yeah, okay House." Cuddy's pager went off and, upon seeing what it said, she cursed under her breath. "I have to go, I totally forgot about a meeting with some donors."

House glared at her. "You're leaving us here?"

Cuddy stood up. She flattened a few wrinkles out of her clothing, and pushed some hair out of her face. "In case you forgot, I am the one making you stay here. I can leave whenever I want." She opened the door and right before she walked out, she turned around. "Wilson, make sure Kutner and House stay here. The others are free to leave, if they wish."

Wilson nodded. "Right. Make sure Kutner and House leave, keep the others here." He grinned at Cuddy and she rolled her eyes.

"As much as I would love to sit here and run through that over and over, I have to go." She waved and exited the room, closing the door gently behind her.

"Well, you heard the lady. Kutner, lets go." House stood up, only to be pulled back into his chair by Wilson.

"You two have to stay here," he said.

"You, sir, are a traitor." House made a show of scooting his chair away from Wilson's, eyeing him suspiciously as he did so. Wilson rolled his eyes and moved his chair so that he was once again right next to House. "You're buying me dinner tonight."

"Okay."

"I get to pick the place, and I'm going to get the most expensive thing on the menu."

"So I'll be out, what, 10, 20 for some Chinese food for the both of us?"

House scowled. "I'll order more than that."

"Whatever you say, House. Just make sure you eat whatever you order." Wilson stuck his tongue out at House, who returned the gesture. Foreman mumbled something about them needing to put their tongues away, and they just laughed.

--

They continued on down the road, taking turns attempting to make out Wilson's directions. Finally, with just a little bit of luck, they found themselves standing in front of a very ominous looking castle.

"I don't think they have many visitors," Kutner said absent-mindedly.

"Obviously," Thirteen said, rolling her eyes at him. "Come on. Let's just knock on the door and get this over with so we can go back."

They all nodded in agreement and Thirteen walked up to the huge wooden doors, grabbing the huge brass knocker and knocking as loudly as she could manage. After a moment of waiting, the doors opened and they entered the giant, dark castle. The doors slammed shut behind them, and they all jumped a little at the sound. It was mostly dark, but some torches along the walls lit the way as they walked down the hallway, wondering where Amber might be. Kutner hoped she would not be in a bad mood again.

The tip-tapping of their shoes filled the air. The hallway was long, seemed to go on forever, and nobody knew when they would reach their destination.

Very suddenly, there was a door in front of them. Foreman pushed it open and it led into a huge circular room. "Amber? Are you in here?" he called, his voice echoing through the entire room.

"What do you want?" a voice called back.

"We've got something for Amber, Wilson wanted us to deliver it for him," Thirteen responded, holding the note up.

In a puff of smoke, Amber and Cuddy appeared in the center of the room. "From Wilson?" Amber asked.

Thirteen nodded and walked up to the two, handing Amber the note and smiling a little, hoping they wouldn't try and kill them or anything like that.

--

Once is was assured that Cuddy would not be bursting back onto the scene for a while, Kutner sat down in her empty chair. He sighed happily as the cramps in his legs eased their way out, and Taub glared at him for being noisy.

"House?" Kutner questioned, noting that it had been unusually quiet for the past few minutes.

Wilson shushed him, indicating to House, whose head was resting on his shoulder. House had fallen asleep in Cuddy's absence.

"He looks comfortable," Kutner said in a stage-whisper.

Wilson raised a thick eyebrow. "Don't get any funny ideas, Kutner."

Laughing, he shrugged. "You have two shoulders, Wilson!"

"Taub has a functioning shoulder," he pointed out.

Taub glared at Kutner, as if daring him to even try sleeping on his shoulder.

"Bad height-distribution, I could hurt myself! He- ow!" he yelped as Taub smacked him on the back of the head.

House continued sleeping, peacefully unaware of what was going on around him.

--

Amber smiled slightly, obviously glad to be getting word from Wilson, but her smile faded as she read the note. "Goddamnit," she mumbled. She then glared suspiciously at Thirteen. "This is really from Wilson?"

Thirteen rolled her eyes. "Does it look like it is from Wilson?" Kutner looked like he was about to flee, so Thirteen smacked him lightly on the arm, just to make sure he knew she was onto him.

Cuddy glanced at the note. "That's from Wilson, alright. House sucks at doing his signature," she pointed at Wilson's name down at the bottom. "And I somehow don't think House would bother adding a side note if he was the one who wrote the original."

"True," Amber said, considering it. "Well, I'll just go visit them later I suppose," she said nonchalantly, though she still appeared irritated.

"Well then, we're going to be off," Thirteen said, smiling and turning to leave.

"Hey! Wait!" Cuddy said. "You have my panties!" she accused.

Thirteen shook her head. "House has them, sorry!" She chuckled a little.

Cuddy scowled. "Why'd you give them to him? Now it is going to take me forever to get them back."

"I'll get them back when I drop by Princeton-Plainsboro," Amber offered. "I have a feeling House will be too distracted to take notice of whether or not he is in possession of your underwear."

"Why would he be-" Thirteen cut Kutner off.

"Just keep walking." She grabbed his elbow and led him back down the hallway, toward the door. "We need to get back to House so that I can go home."

Kutner frowned. "I don't want you to go home," he muttered to himself. "Even though you're kind of mean and bordering on physically abusive..." he continued.

She laughed softly. "I'm sorry Kutner, but I have to go home," she said evenly. Of course dream-Kutner was just as endearing as real-Kutner. But she'd rather have real-Kutner, real-Foreman, and real-Taub to talk to instead of their dream selves. Thirteen was happy it was almost over.

--

Kutner glanced over at House, still snoring soundly on Wilson's shoulder. He grinned as a wicked sort of idea came to mind. "Hey Taub," he whispered. "Do you have a pen?"

Taub checked his pockets, then shook his head. "No," he whispered back. "What do you need it for?" He paused for a minute, before adding, "And why are we whispering?"

"Don't want to wake House up." Kutner shrugged.

"Oh."

"Foreman, do you have a pen or marker or something?" he asked quietly.

"There's one in House's pocket," Wilson told him. Kutner got out of his seat very carefully, tiptoeing across the room and carefully pawing through House's shirt pocket. With a triumphant grin, he pulled out a permanent black marker. Wilson, who was playing with House's hair for some reason, raised an eyebrow.

"What are you doing?"

Kutner uncapped the marker and knealed down beside House's chair. "Just having a little fun."

"That's probably not a good idea," Foreman hissed as Kutner busied himself in front of House.

After a few minutes, Kutner stood up, capping the marker and putting it back in House's pocket. He sat down and admired his handiwork from afar. House had two thick black circles around his eyes (obviously intended to be glasses), a lightning bolt on his forehead and a huge cartoonish handlebar moustache. House didn't stir once as the pen made its way over his face, something Kutner was pretty greatful for.

"He's going to be pissed."

"Probably." Kutner leaned back in his chair (obviously having forgotten his earlier misfortune) and grinned. Wilson reached into his pocket (carefully, so as not to disturb House at all) and pulled out his phone. He pressed a few buttons, obviously taking pictures, and laughed quietly to himself. House cracked an eye open and mumbled something into Wilson's shoulder.


	9. Chapter 8: On the Road Again

A/N: Hooray! Chapter 8. Expect chapter nine within the next two-to-three days

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

Chapter 8: Back on the Road

* * *

Thirteen, Kutner, Foreman, and Taub were about to exit Amber and Cuddy's castle, when Amber appeared in front of them, blocking the door.

Thirteen raised an eyebrow. "Can we not leave yet?"

"Oh, you can leave," Amber replied. "I just forgot to tell you not to inform House and Wilson that I will be popping in for a visit. I want it to be a surprise."

"You couldn't have just called down the hallway?" Thirteen asked.

Amber shrugged. "Had to make sure you heard me. Sound gets all thrown off in the hallway, in case you didn't notice." Thirteen thought back to how silent it had been when walking down the hall for the first time, and she knew that Amber was right, everything was a lot quieter than it should have been. She assumed Amber and Cuddy had some reason for that, but she was not about to ask.

"Alright," Thirteen said. "We won't inform him of your visit," she added. "Now can you stop blocking the doorway?"

Stepping aside, Amber scowled. They continued past her and out of the castle.

"Once we get back to House I can finally wake up," Thirteen muttered. "Come on, let's hurry back," she told the others.

"Can't we take a break?" Kutner asked. "I'm tired of walking, and I'm hungry."

"Stop whining." Thirteen rolled her eyes. The sooner she got back to House, the sooner she could wake up and be rid of this bizarre dream. "We can rest when we get back to Princeton-Plainsboro."

--

House awoke with a groan, lifting his head from Wilson's shoulder and twisting his neck, trying to get the kinks out of it. "You are a horrible pillow," he said, glaring sleepily at Wilson, who just shrugged.

"I'll keep that in mind next time you decide to fall asleep on me." He looked at the now smudged ink on House's face, and tried not to laugh. Kutner, on the other hand, was not even making an effort, and let out a loud snort as he started laughing. House gave him an odd look, and Wilson grinned.

"What's so funny?" House noticed some of the ink on Wilson's shirt, right where his face had been resting, and he raised an eyebrow. "Wilson, let me see your phone." He held out his hand, and Wilson reluctantly handed the phone over to him. House went to the menu, then to the picture folder, and he groaned when he saw the images there. "Which one of you drew on my face?"

Kutner pointed at Wilson. Wilson, Taub, and Foreman all pointed at Kutner. "We were all supposed to point at different people," he mumbled. "You guys are no fun at all."

"You should know better than to trust these people to take some of the fall for you," House said. "Wilson, go get me something to clean my face off with." He pushed on Wilson's shoulder, trying to get him to stand up and go. Wilson rolled his eyes and stood up, grabbing his phone back from House before exiting the room. "Kutner," House said, glaring at him. "I hope you know that I am going to kill you."

Kutner looked genuinely afraid. "It was funny?" He let out a weak laugh, which immediately faded to silence when House stood up. House whacked him with his cane, and then sat back down. Kutner rubbed his sore shins and hoped Wilson would return soon.

--

Kutner sighed. "Please? Just a little rest?"

Sighing, Thirteen threw her hands up in exasperation. She couldn't resist Kutner sometimes. "Fine. We can rest for ten minutes," she said.

The others promptly sat down on conveniently placed rocks, sighing in relief and rubbing their aching calves. She crossed her arms over her chest and stood there, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Sit down with us, Thirteen," Kutner said, patting the ground beside where he sat. "Your feet have to be killing you."

She hadn't noticed any discomfort before (_Because this is a dream_, she thought to herself), but after thinking about it, her feet did start to feel as if they might fall off. She sighed and sat down, not saying anything as she did so.

"Well, isn't this a fun party," Taub joked. "Really having a lot of fun here."

"Tons of fun," Thirteen muttered, rolling her eyes.

Foreman rolled his eyes. "It'll be over soon," he said blandly.

"I sure hope so." Thirteen stared up at the sky, an irritated expression on her face.

"Chill out, Thirteen," Kutner said. "Just relax. You'll feel a lot better if you just rest a bit."

Considering this, she sighed. He was right. "Yeah, alright."

They sat in silence for a few minutes and after a while, they all stood, stretching. "Well that was a great break," Kutner said ironically. "Let's go home, alright?"

It was going to be a long walk back to Princeton-Plainsboro.

--

As it was, Kutner was currently fearing for his life. House was glaring at him with a rather alarming intensity, and Kutner had abandoned his chair to sit in the small space behind Foreman. Wilson had disappeared to get something for House and hadn't come back yet. Luckily for Kutner, Wilson chose that very moment to come in holding a wet paper towel in one hand and a dry paper towel in the other.

House crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Wilson expectantly.

"Do you want me to wipe it off _for _you?" Wilson asked.

He nodded wordlessly, glaring at Kutner again and then turning back to Wilson. "Aren't you going to?" he asked.

Sighing, Wilson sat down and leaned over to House, rubbing off all of the marker, and then giving House the dry paper towel as he threw the now useless wet one away. House dried his face off and continued to give Kutner dirty looks. He tossed the paper towel and Wilson when he was done, and Wilson threw that in the waste bin as well.

--

They had only been back on the road for about five minutes, and Thirteen was starting to want to kill Kutner. He had found a stick, and he kept tapping things. The ground, the trees, everyone's legs. "Would you throw that thing away?" she finally snapped. "You're annoying me."

Kutner frowned. "Sorry," he mumbled, throwing the stick over into some bushes. "I'm just bored."

"We're all bored," Taub said irritably. "But we aren't being annoying about it."

Pouting, Kutner crossed his arms over his chest and didn't speak again for a while. Thirteen rolled her eyes at him at first, but after having a few minutes to just walk in silence and clear her head, she felt kind of bad for being so irritated with him. Then she felt ridiculous for feeling bad about snapping at somebody in a dream. It wasn't like she had yelled at the real Kutner. Nonetheless, she still felt like she should apologise. At some point, Kutner had started walking a few steps ahead of the rest of them, so she quickened her pace so that she ended up walking right next to him. He glanced over at her, then went back to his pouting. She took his hand and swung their arms back and forth a bit. She didn't let go until Kutner finally cracked a grin, and she smiled back, slipping her hand out of his.

"Get a room, you two," Foreman said, his voice slightly muffled by the ever present newspaper.

"We didn't do anything!" Kutner said, still grinning a little, but also looking a little embarrassed.

Taub snorted in disbelief and turned to talk to Foreman. The two spoke in hushed voices, occasionally giving Thirteen and Kutner a quick glance, or an eyeroll. Thirteen could not help but think that they were acting very much like teenage girls, despite being older than she was. The thought made her laugh, and she shared it with Kutner.

He laughed. "You're right," he whispered, leaning in close to her so that Taub and Foreman could not hear him. "They might as well start painting one another's nails."

--

"I love you," Kutner told House, hope shining in his eyes.

House raised an eyebrow, then turned to look at Wilson an expectant expression on his face. "Well?" he asked after a moment.

Wilson looked confused. "Well what?"

"Aren't you going to defend my honour or something? Stand up to this scoundrel throwing the l-word in my face?" House was waving his arms around dramatically, and when he said the 'l-word', his voice was filled with such disdain, everyone in the room almost believed he was genuinely offended. "Come on then, Jimmy, fight Kutner to the death." He glanced over at Kutner, then back at Wilson. "My money's on you."

Wilson laughed. "Well alright then, I guess it is my duty, being your best friend and all."

"Please don't kill me!" Kutner shrunk down in the chair and put his arms over his head, as if trying to ward off a blow.

Wilson gave him a stern look. "Then you best keep to yourself, Kutner, or I may be forced to take some drastic measures."

"Of course!" Kutner nodded. When House and Wilson burst into laughter, he let out an indigent cry of, "Hey! Don't scare me like that!"

"I should sick Wilson on you any time you do something wrong, he's a very good form of punishment," House said, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.

Wilson nodded. "I am ever so frighting," he agreed.

"You let me draw on his face!" Kutner pouted, obviously not liking being the butt end of House and Wilson's joke.

House shrugged. "I can't make him scare the shit out of himself."

"I was not scared," Kutner muttered. He crossed his arms over his chest. "I hate you people. All of you."

--

Thirteen tried to picture that occurrence, but found the mental picture she painted up of Foreman and Taub actually painting eachother's nails to be utterly disturbing. "That's a horrible thought," she said in a hushed voice. "I'm going to have nightmares about that." They both laughed, and then looked behind them to see Taub and Foreman both looking at them with raised eyebrows.

"What?" Thirteen asked.

"Nothing," Foreman replied.

Thirteen shrugged and went back to whispers to Kutner. "I think I know where that stick you tossed went." She smirked and Kutner laughed. "I don't think you are going to want it back now."

"Definitely not."

"You two are hilarious," Taub said.

"We try," Thirteen replied, sticking her tongue out.

_"Having fun, boys?" _

Thirteen looked around when she heard Amber's voice, wondering where it was coming from.

_House and Wilson pulled apart when Amber entered the room. House laughed as Wilson began to blush and sputter, trying to explain to Amber why he had canceled their plans. Amber just shook her head and kissed him. "You could have invited me along."_

Thirteen must have looked really confused, because Kutner was looking at her with concern. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"Yeah..." she said, wondering why she was seeing what House, Wilson, and Amber were up to. She shook her head, trying to make the images in her head go away, and continued on down the road.  
_  
_


	10. Chapter 9: Split in Two

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

Chapter 9: Split in Two

* * *

_Amber removed the witch hat she was wearing, giving her blonde hair a shake after doing so. She pushed some papers out of her way, and sat down on House's desk. _

Thirteen looked around, trying to figure out where exactly what she was seeing was coming from. There were no mysteriously magical screens laying around, no random images in the sky, nothing. It was almost like what she was seeing was in her own head, but at the same time, it was like she was there, watching what was happening. She could still seeKutner walking beside her, could still hear Foreman and Taub trailing behind them, was still surrounded by trees. She continued to walk along the same road as before, but she was also back in House's office, feeling his carpet beneath her feet, hearing his papers rustle as Amber cast them aside.

_Wilson, who was still blushing a soft shade of pink, was going about gathering up his hastily removed clothes and pulling them back on, attempting in vain to ease out the wrinkles with his hands. House was clad only in his boxers, but he did not feel the need to get dressed any time soon. Amber raised an eyebrow at him, and he just smirked, raising an eyebrow back and saying, "What? Like what you see?"_

Thirteen laughed. She was dreaming about Amber and House flirting, great. Just when she thought this whole experience could not get any weirder, it did.

"What's so funny?" Kutner asked. When she didn't respond, he waved a hand in front of her face. "Hello, Thirteen."

She glanced over at him, feeling a little embarrassed about spacing out like that. "What?"

"What are you laughing at?"

"Oh, Am- nothing. Just remembered a joke." She couldn't really understand what was going on herself, and she didn't think she could explain it while making any sort of sense.Kutner looked at her suspiciously, before a grin broke out on his face.

"So, this baby seal, it walked into a club."

She heard Foreman snort and she rolled her eyes. "You're the king of comedy, Kutner, seriously."

"I try."

--

"I think she may be waking up soon," House said, a very serious look on his face.

Kutner looked up from the newspaper he had stolen from Foreman. "How can you tell?" he asked curiously.

"The mumbling is getting more coherent," he pointed out, rolling his eyes as if it were obvious.

"Are you sure that's an indication of her being closer to consciousness?" Wilson pressed, raising an eyebrow.

House rolled his eyes again, this time towards Wilson. "Of course it is, Wilson!" he said, thumping Wilson on the back of the head. "And she just said 'ugh, I don't need to see this'," he added. "Which means something disgusting is happening in her imaginary world. I wonder what?"

"Maybe it's an Amber-House-Wilson threesome," Kutner retorted sarcastically, smirking slightly.

--

_Amber snorted with laughter. "Oh yeah, I'm so hot for you right now."_

Thirteen managed to control any sort of outburst she might have had that time, but just barely. This dream was seriously disturbing her.

_"That would make two of you." House nodded at Wilson, who was still trying to make himself look presentable, for one reason or another._

_"You know," Amber said. "You two could have just kept going. No need to throw all your clothes back on, Wilson."_

_"I keep telling him that, but he never listens to me." House and Amber both laughed, and Wilson rolled his eyes at them._

_"I really hate it when you two decide to get along."_

Thirteen really hated it when her subconscious decided to mess with her like this. Her head was starting to hurt just thinking about being in two places at once, and she was not liking it at all. She was walking, yet she was standing still. When she looked up, she was met with both the sky and a familiar tile ceiling. There were two separate groups of people in her midst, but they were both separated from one another. She rubbed her head and Kutner gave her a concerned look.

"What's wrong?" he asked her.

_"We're not getting along," Amber insisted. "We just both happen to be teasing you at the same time."_

"Nothings wrong," Thirteen lied. "My head just hurts a little."

"Should we rest again?" He looked around, his eyes resting on a large tree shading a section of grass. He motioned for Foreman andTaub to follow him, and he grabbed Thirteen's elbow. "Let's sit down, just for a bit."

--

Thirteen mumbled something about her head hurting, and House looked up at some of the monitor's attached to her. "She has a headache," he said. He slowly got up, pulled a pen light out of his pocket, and began checking her pupils. Thirteen let out a groan of pain. After he was satisfied, he sat back down.

"Well?" Wilson said, expecting House to fill them all in.

"Normal pupil response. She's most likely starting to wake up, and she hit her head twice, so of course it hurts." He shrugged. "Hopefully, we won't be waiting much longer."

"Head hurts," Thirteen said, her voice far more clear than it had previously been. She was no longer mumbling incoherently, and had moved on from random words and names to full sentences. Her expressions matched her words, and Wilson flagged down a nurse to get her some pain medicine for the headache.

Kutner frowned. "Do you think she'll be alright?"

House rolled his eyes. "Kutner, are you a doctor, or did you fake that resume?" He muttered something under his breath when Wilson gave him a stern look, clearly disapproving. "You already know this, but she will most likely be fine. We'll do another CT after she wakes up."

"Yeah, I know that," Kutner said quietly. "Just a little worried, you know?" He shrugged.

"You should see what Wilson does when he's worried." House motioned toward Wilson, a slight grin on his face. "He's the king of worrying."

"You are such a caring person, or something," Wilson said.

--

_"It's not that we're agreeing about anything," House added. "Just that we both happened to decide you're pathetic at the same time."_

_Wilson laughed. "Oh yeah, that is exactly what is going on here."_

Wilson's laugh sounded as if he was right next to her, as if the sound was going directly into her ears. She closed her eyes and rubbed at them with her palms. The closer they got to Princeton-Plainsboro, the more vivid her images of House, Wilson, and Amber got. The feeling of being in two places at once was much stronger than it had originally been, and she wanted more than anything to wake up and stop feeling that way. She couldn't help but think that the headache wouldn't go away, however, as it was highly possible the pain was from an actual headache caused by the two times she had banged her head. She could deal with that, though, at least she'd only be in one place.

_House balled up a piece of paper and threw it at Wilson. "Stop worrying about the wrinkles in your shirt and take it off again."_

"Ugh," Thirteen said, burying her face in her heads. "I am getting so sick of this."

_"Yeah, give us a little show." Amber grinned perversely._

Foreman and Taub exchanged a look, clearly sharing the opinion that Thirteen had gone crazy. Kutner didn't really know what to do, as he had no idea what she was talking about, but he awkwardly patted her on the shoulder, hoping to provide a little bit of comfort.

_Wilson mumbled something about House and Amber being mental, and he slowly took off his shirt, exaggerating his movements as he worked his fingers over the buttons of his shirt. He stuck his tongue out at House when the other man let out a snort of laughter. Amber snapped her fingers, and a video camera on a tripod appeared out of nowhere._

_"Good idea," House said._

Kutner stood up and gently pulled Thirteen along with him. "We're almost back to Princeton-Plainsboro," he said. "I'm sure House can make your head feel better."

--

"How much longer?" Kutner whined. "I want to go get something to eat..." he added.

"Be patient Kutner, she is your girlfriend," Foreman said, glaring at Kutner. Whining was just too annoying for him to handle right now.

"I wouldn't call her my girlfriend, per se," he replied with a lazy, mischievous smirk. "But I get your meaning."

Taub snorted. "Not your girlfriend? What else would you call her?"

Kutner thought for a moment. "I... don't really know. She's my friend."

"Friend with benefits?" Taub suggested.

"No, I wouldn't call her that either." Kutner shook his head. "I don't really call her anything. She's just Thirteen. Only, not really, because that's not her name."

House let out a gasp of faux shock. "It's not?" he said, sounding scandalised. "And here I was, all this time, thinking it was so odd that a parent would name their child after a number."

"Shut up House," Kutner replied good-naturedly. "You got my meaning," he said. "She's just Thirteen, I'm just Kutner. It's not a boyfriend-girlfriend or a friends-with-benefits thing," he explained. "But it's a lot of fun."

"Keep at it while you're young," Taub said, rolling his eyes slightly.

--

_"We should hurry this up." Amber got off the desk and started to remove her clothing as well. "Those people who delivered the letter to me are on their way back here."_

_"Wilson won't need that much time anyway." House gestured toward a certain part of Wilson's anatomy, and Amber laughed._

_"Oh yeah, you got him nice and ready."_

Thirteen groaned, trying to get the image out of her head. If there was some way to kill the part of her subconscious responsible for all of this, she would get on that without a second thought. Kutner was holding onto her elbow, leading her down the road. It felt like ages, but soon enough Princeton-Plainsboro was once again in sight. Her head felt like it was going to split open, and the events that were occurring were ones she felt she could have gone her whole life without wanting to see.

_Wilson, House, and Amber were laying on the floor of House's office, breathing heavily and trying to recover from their activities. Wilson's arm was wrapped around Amber, and she was pressed against his side. House was absent-mindedly playing with Wilson's hair. He stuck his tongue out at Amber, and she grabbed it. Before she could pull her fingers away, House's teeth came down on them, and she inhaled a sharp intake of air, glaring at him as she tucked her injured fingers between herself and Wilson._

_"Play nice, you two."_

They stood outside the door of House's building once again. They'd been knocking for about five minutes, and nobody had answered yet. Thirteen knew why, obviously, but she wasn't about to tell the others that.

_"Get dressed, I'm going to go get the door." Wilson had already redressed himself, and he was in the process of brushing his hair, not wanting anything to seem amiss._

Finally, Wilson answered the door, and Thirteen looked up at the sky, not wanting to look at him. Fortunately, his appearance caused all visions of House's office to cease, as if some sort of spell had been broken. Thirteen's head still hurt, however, and a disembodied voice appeared out of nowhere almost as soon as Thirteen started feeling like she was once again only in one place.

_"She better wake up, soon, I'm going to stab somebody if I don't get out of this room soon."_

It was House's voice, and it sounded faint, as if off in the distance. Thirteen realised she was probably hearing the real House, and she knew that if that were true, she was very close to finally waking from this dream.


	11. Chapter 10: The Final Chapter!

The final chapter! Yup! You heard right! There's a short epilogue after this though, so stay tuned!

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

Chapter 10: The Final Chapter

* * *

"What now?" Kutner asked. Thirteen looked at him when he began to speak, just to make sure it was actually him (well, actually dream Kutner) speaking. She did not know why she cared if figments of her imagination thought she was crazy, but right now she did, so she did not want to be caught responding to any outside happenings.

_"Wilson, stop making googly eyes at me and go get Cuddy," House said, sounding slightly irritated._

_"Sure thing, boss," Wilson replied. He laughed, and the sound tapered off into nothing._

Dream Wilson not speaking, and dream House was not yet in sight, so Thirteen knew that she was, once again, hearing their real life counterparts having a conversation. She grinned as she tried to get an image in her mind to match the dialogue. Wilson was, no doubt, not actually making googly eyes at House (from what she had noticed, it was usually the other way around, though she was not about to speak that aloud), and he had most likely added an eye roll to his laughter when House ordered him to go and retrieve Cuddy from wherever she happened to be.  
_  
"She can hear us," House laughed._

_"How do you know that?" That was Taub's voice._

_"She was just mumbling about Wilson and his googly eyes."_

Wilson was leading Thirteen, Kutner, Taub, and Foreman back to House's office, no doubt to discuss how House would be getting Thirteen home, since they had completed their task. Thirteen was not really paying attention to anyone, as she was far too busy thinking about how she most assuredly going to wake up from this freak fest soon. The voices floating around in the sky were not bothering her this time, as they were not in her head, and she did not yet feel as if she was awake and actually witnessing what was going on. This time, the disembodied noise was welcomed.

_"Thirteen? Can you hear us?"_ _That was Kutner's voice. _  
_  
_But it was the same disembodied noise that didn't seem to be coming from one specific place. "Kutner you are so loud..." she muttered to herself. The dream Kutner looked at her a little oddly.

_"She really can hear us!" He sounded so excited._

Thirteen couldn't help but smile to herself as they walked into House's office. House was there, his feet propped up on the desk in front of him, a red ball in his hands. 

"I see you delivered the message," he said. "Obviously." He glanced over at Amber, who was leaning against the wall. "Didn't really serve its purpose, but oh well."

_"As can the rest of us, stop yelling."_ _If Thirteen could have seen House, she was pretty sure he would be rolling his eyes._

Thirteen mumbled something about Kutner always being that loud, much to the confusion of Kutner currently occupying her dream, but it went ignored. "Yeah, mission accomplished and all that, can you take me home now?" She was not exactly sure how he would do that, but it did not really matter, as she knew she would be waking up soon anyway. She just had to continue about the dream until that time.

House sighed. "I suppose I have to, I'm a man of my word and all."

Wilson snorted in disbelief.

"Well come on, I keep the motorcycle outside. Though I suppose you want to say goodbye to all these tools," he continued, gesturing to the group.

"Why? I'll see them when I wake up..." she trailed off, remember that this was a _dream _and silently cursing herself.

_"What did she just say?" Foreman asked from the sky. Or wherever._

_"I think she said she'd see 'them' when she wakes up." That would be Wilson._

"Bye everybody," she said, turning to them. 

Foreman nodded and mumbled a, "Goodbye," in reply, and Taub gave her a slight smile.

"It was nice having you around," he said. "Maybe you should come back sometime."

She grinned back. She might have felt a bit down about leaving them, since she did have some fun in the silly dream of hers, but she knew she'd awake to find everybody at the hospital, just as she had left them. When she saw the look on Kutner's face, however, she did feel the slightest twinge of sadness.

"You could stay," he said. "Just a bit longer?"

She was tempted to tell him she had a Kutner of her own waiting back home that needed her. But he wouldn't get it. "I'm sorry," she told him. She took a step forward and gave him a hug. "But I really need to get back home."

"But I like you," he whined.

"I like you too, Kutner, but I can't stay forever." Thirteen sighed. "Maybe I'll visit again. You never know. But for now, bye." She walked back over to House, waving at the three of them as she did so.

_"Ooooh, did you hear that, Kutner? She likes you." House was laughing, his tone oozing of mockery._

_Kutner replied with a, "Duh, of course she does." He sounded smug about that fact._

Thirteen laughed a bit, and then glanced up at House, who raised an eyebrow at her. He stood up from his desk and gestured at her, telling her to follow him. She did so, and they exited the office, Wilson and Amber trailing behind them.

They left the building through a door that Thirteen hadn't noticed until House opened it, and went outside into the bright sunlight. Dominating the scene was a huge black motorcycle. House walked over to it, examining it affectionately and looking at Thirteen, Amber, and Wilson.

"You love that motorcycle way too much," Wilson said with a laugh.

"Not as much as I love you," House retorted with a ludicrous wink.

Amber shook her head. "Don't get jealous over the bike, Wilson, it's unbecoming," she joked, punching Wilson in the arm gently.

"I'm not jealous of the motorcycle," Wilson said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Thirteen laughed slightly. "You three are so strange."

"We try."

House stuck his tongue out at Wilson. "Don't wait up all night for me, baby cakes. I might be awhile."

Wilson wrinkled his nose. "Baby cakes?" he asked, looking incredulous.

"You know you like it."

"You can keep on thinking that. I'll see you later." Wilson blew a kiss and walked off, and House rolled his eyes. House grabbed two helmets, seemingly out of nowhere, and handed one to Thirteen, putting the other one on himself.

"Wear that, I'm not having you crack your skull or something and blaming it on me," he said. Of course House would hide any concern for others with a statement like that.

_"You are blowing me kisses, apparently," House said. Wilson was obviously back in the room._

_"And this is news how?" Cuddy asked._

_"Since when do I blow you anything?" Wilson went quiet for a moment, then laughed. House joined in._

_"I am not even going to answer that one. I am sure everyone in this room already knows the answer, anyway."/I  
_  
House sat down on the motorcycle and gestured for Thirteen to sit down too. She did so, wrapping her arms around his waist. "So how does this work, House?" she inquired curiously.

_"She's shifting in her sleep." _

"What did you say?" Thirteen let go of House's waist, confusion written all over her face. Her head felt light, and she wanted nothing more than to lie down. She closed her eyes as a wave of nausea washed over her, and her hands curled around her stomach.

"I didn't say--" House trailed off when Thirteen suddenly collapsed, falling sideways off the motorbike. "Shit."

_"What's the big commotion?"_

_"Go away, Cameron, Thirteen is just waking up."_

_"Oh, alright then. We'll stay."_

_"You might need assistance or something."_

_"You two just miss me."_

_"Yes, that is totally it, House."_

_"Stop acting like morons, she's waking up."_

_"Be quiet."_

_"Maybe us talking will make her wake up faster."_

_"Get the penlight."_

All Thirteen felt was falling, and darkness surrounded her. She tried to open her eyes, but her lids felt too heavy to move. She finally cracked them open a bit, and a thin sliver of light filled her eyes. It hurt, so she closed them again. She could still see the light through her closed eyes, so she opened them once again, and this time not only light filled her vision.

"About time you woke up."


	12. Epilogue: There and Back Again

This is it guys! We both want to thank you all for reading our story, and we really appreciate all the lovely comments and support. Be sure to check in for future projects.

* * *

The Wizard of PROZ

**Epilogue:** There and Back Again

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"My head is killing me," seemed to be the only coherent thought Thirteen could articulate. Her head hurt, and badly. She really wanted to tell everyone about the dream and have a laugh, but they seemed much more focused on shining penlights at her and waving their hands in front of her face.

"That headache probably won't go away for a while," House said conclusively. "But, there seems to be no permanent damage."

"Good," Kutner said, sighing in relief.

"We should probably schedule another CT, make sure there's not swelling or anything," Foreman said.

House nodded. "Go do that."

Foreman exited the room. Thirteen watched him go, then turned back to House. "How long have I been out?" she asked. The dream felt as if it had lasted for a couple of days, at least, but she had no idea how long she had actually been asleep.

House looked at his watch. "About ten hours."

"It felt like days," she said thoughtfully. "I had the craziest dream," she told them, smiling a bit.

"You were talking in your sleep," Taub piped up. "We got the gist of it."

"That's embarrassing," she said to herself, biting her lip.

House chuckled, taking a seat and stretching out his good leg and popping a couple of vicodin. "So what was Amber wearing?" he asked her seriously.

"Oh, you know, typical witch outfit," Thirteen replied, quietly. She realised that if she spoke in a normal tone, it made her head hurt more, and she really wanted to avoid that. "When she was wearing anything at all, that is." She smirked at House.

"Hah, I knew it. You were having one crazy dream, weren't you?" He turned to Kutner. "Pity, though, your girl doesn't seem to dream about doing the nasty with you."

Thirteen wanted to roll her eyes, but she just closed them instead, enjoying the relief that offered. "I wasn't the one having sex with Amber," she said. "You and Wilson were."

"That sounds like a nightmare," Kutner said, holding back laughter.

"It really does," Cuddy agreed.

"Yet you dream about it every night!" House said, winking outlandishly at Cuddy. She just rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.

Wilson just shook his head. "So you're sure you're alright?" he directed at Thirteen.

"Other than the headache, I'm fantastic," she said dryly, groaning a little as her head gave a painful throb.

"I'm really sorry," Kutner interjected, sighing. "About the concussion."

She tried to shake her head, but found it a bit too painful. "It isn't your fault," she said, narrowing her eyes at House.

"It is," House muttered, sticking his tongue out at Kutner.

"Is not," Kutner replied, sticking his tongue out as well.

"House, stop acting like that, you're rubbing off on the children," Wilson said, laughing. "They're never going to grow up properly now."

"And they're all going to be gay," House said sadly. "You mother them too much. Just look at Thirteen, she's already halfway there. And Kutner... well. We won't talk about that."

"I'm not gay!" Kutner protested.

"Of course not," House said.

"You should probably lay off the drugs, though, they mess with your concentration," Wilson added. "I could just kick myself for never sitting down and having those anti-drug talks with you." He laughed again, and House joined in.

Kutner cracked a smile. "You two are insane."

"Obviously it runs in the family," House said sarcastically, jabbing Kutner in the leg with his cane.

"Ow!"

"That did not hurt," he said dismissively. "Quit being a baby."

Pouting, Kutner glared at House. "I wasn't being a baby, that hurt!"

Foreman returned to the hospital room, interrupting the impromptu glaring contest Kutner and House had started. "We can take Thirteen up for a CT in a few minutes," he told them. "They were just finishing one when I got in there, so whenever you want to," he said to Thirteen.

Thirteen nodded. "I'm ready whenever you guys can take me there." Her muscles felt stiff from not moving for so long, and she really wanted to get up and get out of the room, even just for a bit, and even if it was just to go run a test. She tried to sit up a bit, then pulled herself up all the way when she didn't experience any dizziness, or an increase in the pain in her head.

"Look at that, getting up all by herself. Don't cry, Wilson, they do that."

"Your constant jokes about us being your children is faintly disturbing, House," Taub said.

"You like it. Makes you feel special, don't deny it," House replied. "And besides, it makes Wilson happy."

Wilson just shook his head in exasperation.

"Well, if you're going to keep them up," she started. "Pick one of us as your kid, and stick with that. If you keep calling both of us your kids, I may have a problem with it," she said, trying to sound stern.

"But then we can't make incest jokes!" House said, looking appalled.

"Exactly."

"You are no fun at all, even when you are banging your brother." House made a point of sulking.

"I don't think that's a problem, though," Wilson said. "Since Kutner is clearly adopted."

"Shh, don't tell him that!" House covered Kutner's ears. "He doesn't need to know just yet!"

"Get off me!" Kutner jerked away from House. "Seriously, you two are ridiculous."

"Just a bit," House said, shrugging. "So whenever you're ready, Thirteen," he said, looking from Foreman, to Thirteen, to the door. "I want to go to get a sandwich," he added.

"Trust you to have food on the brain," Wilson muttered, rolling his eyes again.

"Well, I'm ready," Thirteen said, looking around at everyone.

"Great, let's go check out that brain," House said happily, standing up, leaning on his cane for a moment before walking towards the door. He opened it and gestured toward a nurse who was waiting outside, and she entered with a wheelchair. Thirteen, with the help of Kutner, got out of bed and into it without any problem. Her head felt a bit light, but she knew it would pass, and everything would go back to normal.

As she was taken toward the CT lab, surrounded by her friends and colleagues, a thought entered her head, and she laughed.

"What?" Kutner asked, confused at the random laughter.

"Nothing," she said. "Just..." she laughed again. "There's no place like home."


End file.
